Alfred and Charles are retired professors of life. They have done it all and seen it all. Though they may be decrepit in age, they are all too eager to give advice, be it for better or worse. They may not agree on everything, but they do always have something to say. If you have an inquiry for our distinguished wise men, please send an email to Opinion@ufvcascade.ca or drop by The Cascade office when it is open to leave a handwritten note for them.
Dear Alfred and Charles,
I feel as though I’m surrounded by couples. All my friends are in relationships, and everywhere I look I see people getting together. Some of my classmates from high school are even getting married, yet I am still single. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Tragically alone
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Dear Tragically alone,
Remind yourself that whilst others may be getting tied down with relationships, you my friend are free to roam. Also, allow yourself to feel superior to your friends. While they spend thousands of dollars getting married and thousands more on a divorce, you can use your funds to buy anything you want: a home, a vacation, even companionship. Anything can be bought if you have money, and you know who has money? Singles like you, my friend!
~ Charles
Charles! Money does not equate to happiness in life. Joy is derived from the relationships we make with one another and the connections we make in life. I beg of you, don’t go about promoting such frivolous ideology. Students don’t need to prioritize courting one another, but they certainly shouldn’t be prioritizing wealth.
~ Alfred
Money doesn’t equate to happiness? Ha! You know who says that? Poor sods. Money might not buy happiness, dear Alfred, but crying in a Mercedes is still better than crying on your bicycle. Do me a favour and show me what transactions your ideologies can fund. And whilst you try to buy your Timmies with good intentions, I will sip on my Starbucks happily watching you struggle, my friend.Â
~ Charles
At least you have me to cry to. Did you forget who you call while you’re in the Mercedes? Sounds like you’re not appreciating me enough. My ideologies support you not being an entirely lonely old coot! Anyway, I’ll see you at tea time tomorrow!
~ Alfred
What was the question again?
Alfred and Charles
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Dear Alfred and Charles,
I am looking for more ways to make money. Gas prices are so high these days, plus I have to pay for parking on campus. The whole ordeal is taking a toll on my wallet and I find myself dipping into savings. Got any finance tips?
Sincerely,
Broke and afraid
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Dear Broke and afraid,
It can be difficult working out budgets while you’re young, but don’t worry, there are ways to help balance things out! Start by checking if you are spending extra money on something you don’t need. For example, maybe you are eating out a lot when it could be more cost effective to make food at home. Look for these gaps and try to remedy them.
~ Alfred
What do you mean it’s difficult to make a budget? You young folks have all the fancy thing-a-ma-bobbers that do it for you. You have finance apps that show you your spending trends, you have gas-finder apps that show you where the cheapest gas is, in real time, and you have access to professional financial advisors for free at your school. If saving and budgeting isn’t enough, you have access to multitudinous programs on campus that will feed you, clothe you, and loan you funds. It’s not difficult, you just need to spend less time reaching out to two old farts in the papers, and go to an advisor.
~ Charles
The kids have finance apps? I’ve been doing mine by hand this whole time! Perhaps I need to look into these apps and fancy programs you speak of, Charles. Time to get jiggy with the kids.
~ Alfred
Yes, the kids have those apps! My grandson spent hours last week showing them to me.
~ Charles
…You don’t have a grandson. Charles, you don’t even have a son.Â
~ Alfred
Don’t starve,
Alfred and Charles
