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Confusing construction on campus

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For the past several months construction has taken place in D building on UFV’s Abbotsford campus. We’ve been trying to discover the purpose behind the construction but have yet to receive word from the university’s facilities management team. As paying students, we just want to know what the developments in D building are for. Without any concrete word from the university, all we can do is speculate on the dark games they are manufacturing behind closed doors.

An anonymous source tell us the university is building pipes from the swamp on the north-east side of the building to pump fluids onto the first floor. The source claims to have seen pipes being dug into the ground outside the building late one evening. But why UFV would want to flood the first floor, we don’t know.

From this piece of knowledge that was communicated to us (and confirmed by the quacks of several nearby ducks), we have to conclude that the D building construction is really the building D-struction.

Don’t be fooled by the creation of UFV’s brand-new School of Creative Arts; the university is just using this exciting initiative to make the school look like it’s moving forward, prospering even. But in reality, the staff and faculty on campus are slowly rebelling against upper management because of the lack of staff and faculty parking and the stink on the third floor in A building. I learned this information by walking past a staff and faculty group huddled over Triple O’s burgers in the cafeteria in January. A rebellion would be the only explanation to a huddle like that. It was already dark at night, therefore the upper management of the university must have already left campus: the perfect time to form a rebellion.

Suspicions were confirmed by a sleepy construction worker, obviously too tired to know what they were saying. “The Rebellion has tasked the facilities management department with taking down the school. The committee decided to take action through slowly diminishing D building. They chose this building because most upper management offices are elsewhere, therefore they won’t be present to witness us break the ground.” When asked for further information, they slowly turned their face and sat on the ground, putting their head against the wall and closing their eyes. It was obvious the rebellion committee had been working the construction team too hard to bring the school down.

I had the opportunity to speak to a student who was also awestruck by the developments obstructing his journey from the SUB to B building: “My buddies and I heard a guy working in Triple O’s talking about their minimal perks at the university. Apparently they don’t even get a discount on the food here! Anyways, I also clearly heard them talk about their excitement for D building to fall to pieces. I was so confused. I just grabbed my combo and ran.” Much thanks goes out to the student who provided us with this information.

It’s unfortunate to see a strong, diverse, and friendly university like UFV experience this mutiny. Of course, all of this information has been passed to us through word of mouth and by our excellent eavesdropping skills. If the university feels this information is incorrect, we welcome them to answer our emails and let us know the meaning behind the building D-struction.

Image: Cory Jensen/The Cascade

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