Aries – Mar. 21 to Apr. 19
Oh my god, please move the fuck on. You know that saying “one foot in the grave and the other…” — actually, I can’t remember the rest of that saying. Regardless, you have at least one foot in some grave or another and the rats are about to gnaw them off if you don’t get out real quick. Oh! A banana peel! Your other foot — it’s on a banana peel.
Taurus – Apr. 20 to May 20
Brag about your perfectly organized schedule some more, why don’t you? Try falling apart like the rest of us for once.
Gemini – May 21 to Jun. 20
You’ve done it. You’ve conquered your enemies and now you stand victorious, the spoils of war tight in your grasp! Now, you can rest easy at night in your newly acquired castle, the kingdom is yours. Surely no one will ever try to avenge the deaths of your enemies and overturn your rightfully earned throne! (Surely… right?)
Cancer – Jun. 21 to Jul. 22
You’re galloping around campus on a sick horse. It’s grossing people out. Please take him to the horse doctor. And maybe eat something while you’re at it? When was the last time you had a vegetable?
Leo – Jul. 23 to Aug. 22
Inside of you are two wolves, and they hate each other. But I have faith in them, they’ll probably chill out soon. Try talking to the moon or something.
Virgo – Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Mummy loves her dollies, her pretty, pretty dollies.
Libra – Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You need to slow down and smell the roses or something, you’re blazing into dangerous territory carrying bold ideas with no fucking map or shield. Check yourself before you get thoroughly wrecked by yourself.
Scorpio – Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Quod est superius est sicut quod inferius, et quod inferius est sicut quod est superius. Google it.
Sagittarius – Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Once, you were just a blob of tissue, breathing through tracheal tubes, but you’re not a larvae anymore. It’s time to come out of your cocoon and show off your beautiful wings to all the other hot butterflies.
Capricorn – Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
It’s all comin’ up Milhouse.
Aquarius – Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Look, life isn’t always going to be a barrel of monkeys. Actually, that sounds really chaotic. Why would you want a barrel of monkeys? Where would you even get one of those? Have you ever seen those TikTok videos of people who have pet monkeys? It’s a fucking nightmare. They jump all over the house and knock all your shit over. You’ll do fine on your own, you don’t need a pet monkey, let alone an entire barrel of them, so put the idea to bed.
Pisces – Feb. 19 to Mar. 20
Have you ever seen The Karate Kid (1984)? Great movie. You should watch it.
