Classes have gone back in person this fall, and although UFV is following a bunch of COVID-19 safety protocols, students are still wary of returning to a non-virtual classroom. But worry no more. We’ve already shared with you how to not catch COVID-19 last year, so rest assured that we’re not going to hold back on the hottest tips and tricks to help keep you and your classmates safe. You can trust me; I basically have an internet degree in coronaviruses after a few Google searches.
Firstly, we all know that cleanliness is next to godliness and what better way to do that than to take advantage of all the hand sanitizer around campus? Bring your own reusable bottle and fill that baby up with free sanitizer. Hand sanitizer is great because it’s multipurpose; you can use it for your hands or as a hell-fire-in-my-mouth inducing gargle rinse. Just be wary of the fact that propyl alcohol is toxic when swallowed, of course.
And since UFV has been rolling out increased cleaning measures, you can be guaranteed that the campuses are being kept spick-and-span. In fact, now’s a great time to begin building up your immune system. Because high-touch surfaces are being cleaned multiple times a day, don’t be afraid to lick them and begin exposing yourself to small doses of all those nasty germs your classmates (and definitely not you) are carrying around.
Looking for a way to wear masks that’s less restrictive? No problem. As long as you wear a mask 80 per cent of the time, you’re basically following the rules, right? Show everyone that you prioritize your comfort (in the name of self-care, of course) by pulling that sucker under your nose, or even better, get the best of both worlds by pulling it under your chin every time you have something to say. Everyone will admire your dedication to protecting others and simultaneously love being able to see your moist lips smacking as you talk. It’s true, you know; not all heroes wear capes.
Or even better, find a way to wear a mask by fulfilling only the bare minimum requirements — which is what most do in our classes anyway. Find yourself one of those face shields that cover the chin, mouth, and almost the nose. What it says is that you care about others because you’re wearing something, but also that you don’t care that much. It’s a great look.
Next to address is how to connect with your classmates again now that you’ve become a hermit for the past year. These days everyone has an opinion on mRNA vaccines, so do a few minutes of research and have one of your own ready to pull out unprompted. People will appreciate the wisdom garnered from the first page of Google. And if you have to wear masks, why not make them a conversation piece? Find a mask that perfectly encapsulates how much you don’t want to wear a mask, think the pandemic was faked by the government, or how getting the vaccine was the most humiliating moment of your life. Or do what I did and buy the most offensive mask you can find and wait for the friendships to blossom organically. (I opted for a mask featuring a stranger’s scrotum. It says “If I had to see this, so do you” in a really charming way.)
But most importantly, remember that the good vibes and intentions you’re putting out will naturally deter COVID-19 and keep you and your classmates safe. I know this because I’ve browsed Google Scholar, and I probably saw it once. It may or may not have been retracted, but who cares? It still got published therefore it’s true.
Image: Brielle Quon/The Cascade
Chandy is a biology major/chemistry minor who's been a staff writer, Arts editor, and Managing Editor at The Cascade. She began writing in elementary school when she produced Tamagotchi fanfiction to show her peers at school -- she now lives in fear that this may have been her creative peak.
