On March 21, the New York City health department advised citizens, “You are your safest sex partner” for the duration of the pandemic. COVID-19 is easily spread through kissing and close contact with others, so it makes sense that sex is perhaps not the ideal self-isolation activity. Masturbation, on the other hand? Its time is now.
If you’re being a responsible citizen and self-isolating, your access to key me-time ingredients like time alone at home may be severely reduced. If you’re used to having sex with other people, you may find yourself even more lonely than the average social distancer. How can you deal with it? There are two answers: don’t be ashamed, and be considerate.
If you’re the type of person who only jacks off when your housemates aren’t home or when everyone else is asleep, it might be time to get over that hangup. As long as you’re being respectful about it — that is, doing it quietly, in your own room — your private time isn’t anyone else’s concern. Your housemates probably have no idea that you’re scheduling masturbation sessions around them, and they most likely don’t care if you do it while they’re home or awake. But, if that is something that’s completely outside of your comfort zone (or theirs, if it’s come up before), ask them to let you know when they go for a walk or when they’re going to bed. If you still live with your parents, I leave it up to you to determine how much discretion is necessary in your house.
Once you’ve (hopefully) gotten over feeling uncomfortable about masturbating within 20 feet of another living person, you just have to think about how to go about it.
Try not to be loud, but there’s no need to gag yourself (unless you’re into that). Sex sounds are human sounds and part of living with other people, and if your roommate can listen to the Joe Rogan podcast without headphones, you should be able to masturbate without worrying about every little sound. That’s just equality. However, you should definitely wear headphones if you’re watching porn; that’s just common courtesy. And if you really need to, play some music to drown yourself out.
Invest in some incense or scented candles to cover smells of sweat and sex, especially if — heaven forbid — you share an actual bedroom with a sibling or housemate. In that case, you get to have an extra fun conversation about when you get to boot each other out into the living room and whether they prefer to put a sock or a clothes hanger on the doorknob when company is unwelcome.
Don’t let dirty sheets, socks, or towels hang out in any communal laundry areas. Those go right from your bedroom floor to the laundry machine, because no one wants to accidentally touch your crusties.
Keep your sex toys clean. This one is more about being considerate to yourself than others, but it’s important: a UTI from a dingy, dusty sex toy is a preventable trip to the doctor’s office that will not help to flatten the curve. Being diligent about toy hygiene may mean, if you decide to use them at an inopportune time, washing them in the sink when other people could walk in and see them. Do it anyway, or wait and wash them in the dead of night. Put towels you use to dry them directly into the laundry hamper.
If you’re someone who’s used to getting off with other people and don’t normally masturbate much, self-isolation is an opportunity to experiment with how you play with yourself and others. Every aspect of life that can be moved online, from work to school to shopping and socializing, seems to be going that way, and your sex life can too: consider video calling, sexting, or having good, old-fashioned phone sex while you both pleasure yourselves. Or, try some new toys and techniques on your own; even if it isn’t quite the same as sex, you can go to your first post-quarantine rendezvous with a bunch of new tricks up your sleeve.
Masturbation is normal, fun, and a pretty good way to pass the time when your Netflix queue is empty and you think your brain might wither and die if you crochet one more granny square or follow along with one more YouTube yoga tutorial. Self-isolation might make it daunting or more complicated if everyone in your house is home all the time, but managing close quarters and constant company is not only simple — it’s well worth it.
