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Rocky Ground needs more Frowns

An annual inspection of the Abbotsford campus by B.C. Safety Authority has unearthed troubling news about the campus foundation, and has UFV administration scrambling to meet building codes and regulations before the start of fall semester.

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An annual inspection of the Abbotsford campus by B.C. Safety Authority has unearthed troubling news about the campus foundation, and has UFV administration scrambling to meet building codes and regulations before the start of fall semester.

The inspection, which is mandated to make sure all buildings reach minimum code requirements to withstand catastrophic damage during earthquakes, was conducted in early July by a provincial office. Using the latest technology, a sonic sounding measurement was done of the underlying foundation of the campus to check its structural integrity. The results were not good.

Since it was first established, UFV has relied on the build up of the naturally occurring broken dreams and ambitions of its students to maintain the foundations of the campus.Dirk Duggan, UFV’s building maintenance chief

“As their every wish falls from their limp, dejected grasp and is trampled underfoot by the hordes of subdued drones that make up our usual student population, it breaks into a sediment-like substance that creates a viable layer on which to build two- or three-story buildings.”

However, while the failed and unreachable aspirations of UFV students was enough to hold up our buildings in the past, government inspectors warn that due to recent spikes in optimism in first year and returning students, the buildings are sinking lopsided under the weight of all the good vibes, and will prove hazardous in the face of earthquakes or dance parties.

“The original goal of using despair and low self-esteem to prop up our buildings was a pragmatic one,” noted the Board of Governors’ media representative, Patricia Sitsalot. “To keep cost of tuitions low we had to find savings in construction and maintenance, and concrete is a lot more expensive than not offering courses, not having degree programs, or creating an overwhelming feeling of isolation and indifference.”

What UFV administration couldn’t account for in contingency plans however, was such a dope lineup of music for weeks of welcome, a CIVL hosted radio conference planned for the summer of June 2017, and flags hung up in the Student Union Building atrium. The growing wave of hope and pride building on campus has proven too much for the structural integrity of our buildings.

As of this time, UFV has declined to comment on how they will meet provincial regulations, but have assured The Cascade that they are committed to balancing safety with the overarching goal plans of the university and its stakeholders. According to Dirk Duggan, after intense consultation with contracted engineers and government offices, there are only two viable options when it comes to keeping UFV structurally sound and safe for the impending earthquakes and natural disasters that are sure to hit the west coast: the first is to make sure the price of food in the cafeteria continues to climb and reach unreasonable levels in conjunction with offering less sections for intro level classes. The other is to start using cement.

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