It’s my first relationship, and I’m giddy in love. But after a few months of dating, when I mention hanging out with male friends there’s a shift. Instead of being impartial toward or happy with the fact that I have a separate social life, he becomes hostile. “Oh, hanging out with [name here] again? I’m sure you just love spending time with him instead of me.” What happened to the gentle and kind man I thought I knew? Suddenly having friends meant having to defend myself, get into an argument, or tell white lies to keep the peace.
Jealousy is a powerful emotion that’s inevitably common in romantic and sexual relationships. It’s usually a sense of possessiveness and entitlement that often arises from insecurity and a lack of trust. Jealousy in itself isn’t problematic, but out of control jealousy can drive people apart rather than address the root issue. The good news is that if you suffer from jealousy, or are on the receiving end of it, there are ways to heal and reconnect if there’s cooperation.
Dealing with your own jealousy
If you’re experiencing jealousy, it’s not an easy feeling. You might feel betrayed, unloved, and confused. The journey to recovery is through recognizing your emotions, sitting with them, and communicating. (I never claimed it was easy!) The truth is that jealousy is an insecurity which is your responsibility to work on in a relationship. It’s not sustainable for it to be continually justified away or tip-toed around by a partner. It’s not wrong to feel jealous, but it must be healed at the source instead of endlessly accommodated.
The first step is to acknowledge what’s happening. What are your triggers? Maybe the jealousy storm begins to brew when your partner spends hours gaming with their friends or hanging out with an attractive coworker. What are you afraid will happen? Find the source of your insecurity. Are you fearful that your partner doesn’t enjoy spending time with you or that you don’t trust that they’ll be faithful? How realistic are these fears? Do you have any evidence to back up these ideas, or are you creating hypothetical situations? You need to recognize the negative self-talk and resist being sucked into a spiral.
Next, approach your partner to have a non-accusatory and non-confrontational conversation about how you’re feeling. Decide ahead of time what you’re looking to receive out of this interaction. Do you need comfort and love? Do you want to establish or clarify boundaries? (Think less of a checklist that takes away freedom from your partner and more of a convo around defining what constitutes cheating.) Use “I” sentences to express how you feel. Examples: “I feel like you enjoy hanging with [name here] more than me,” or “I feel like we don’t spend enough time together.” Somewhere in the conversation work in a clear understanding of what you need from your partner.
After this conversation, it’s up to you to regulate your emotions, shut down your imagination, and seek out additional reassurance from your partner as needed.
Dealing with your partner’s jealousy
There’s a whole separate set of emotions and skills involved with helping a partner cope with jealousy. You can understand that your partner is unhappy and hurt, but it can be confusing as to why it’s happening and frustrating if you feel like you’re walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting them.
It’s a good idea to initiate a conversation around how they’re feeling. Be open to listening to their concerns, reassure them of how you feel, and work together to establish how you can alleviate some of their anxiety. It’ll be crucial to establish boundaries that work for you both. For example, having a partner go through your belongings or phone, or needing to constantly check-in with a significant other throughout the night are not healthy boundaries. An example of a good boundary might be to agree that you’ll both clearly communicate where you’re going and when you’ll be back, and to express love before leaving. It’s also important to be transparent with a jealous partner: if you’re hanging out with a friend, there’s no need to cover it up. They may not like it, but it’s better to tell the truth than break their trust if you lie.
You can do everything right on your side, but ultimately a relationship is a two-way street. If your partner’s jealousy is negatively affecting you, they aren’t willing to work on it, and there’s no effective communication happening, make the best choice for yourself. Engage in a serious conversation about the future of your relationship, seek external counselling, and decide if separating is the best course of action.
Chandy is a biology major/chemistry minor who's been a staff writer, Arts editor, and Managing Editor at The Cascade. She began writing in elementary school when she produced Tamagotchi fanfiction to show her peers at school -- she now lives in fear that this may have been her creative peak.