Your pitch to congress about the “Canadian Values Test” for immigrants was remarkable. The corners of my mouth are twitching; I haven’t smiled this hard since 2011.
I’ve been so doom and gloom about the future of my country since pretty boy Justin stole the election. He’s going to destroy the reputation I worked so hard establishing for Calgary Canada. He’s mingling with treehuggers and natives, letting those meddling scientists get in the way of our oil sand dollars, sucking up to women, and worst of all, admitting all of those Syrian terrorists with their dangerous, and just downright weird head scarves into my country. It’s all politically correct bologna.
After my Conservative party regains its rightful place at the head of power — delicious, precious power — I want little sunny Justin to be the first to take the Canadian Values Test. Then he’ll learn the true values of my country. Well, I’ve got to go; I’m meeting Donald this afternoon to talk about his exceptional wall.
Sincerely,
Your spiritual conservative leader,
Stephen Joseph-Banks Harper
PS. I never thanked you for leading the charge on that barbaric cultural practices hotline. Well, until next time,
Stevie
