This is it, my friend: you’ve run out of toilet paper and every store you’ve been to has run out as well. Personally, I don’t get what all the fuss is about; toilet paper sales weren’t successful until 1928, and many countries in the world still go without this resource we find to be precious enough to stockpile here in the West. Human beings are born with an innate creativity, and I bet if you tried hard enough you could think of plenty of things around your house that can be used to wipe your butt that isn’t a precious roll of two-ply. So let’s brainstorm together.
Take a look in your kitchen: tortillas, leaves of lettuce, old dish towels, maybe a sponge, those end pieces of bread that no one likes, corn husks… I’m sure if you poked around a bit and thought outside the box you could find plenty of options in your fridge or pantry.
Open that old linen closet. Do you have a ratty set of bedsheets you’ll never use again? Take a sheet to the bathroom along with a pair of scissors and just cut away, strip by strip. It’ll take a while to get through that sucker.
What’s that you say? You can barely afford the sheets on your bed let alone have enough to necessitate an entire linen closet? Well don’t get uppity with me. Just choose an old shirt you’ll never wear again from your wardrobe, preferably something cotton, and use the same technique. Of course, please do not flush rags down the toilet — just wash and reuse them!
Venture into your backyard. A nice smooth stone should do the trick, and it’s even reusable if you put in the time to wash it. Leaves of course are your best friend in these times of need, just be careful not to pick any that might give you a rash; the medical system is too overloaded right now to deal with your butt problems.
What’s on your desk? A plethora of options of course: old notes, syllabuses, your tax forms whose due dates have been pushed back, or maybe even an old copy of The Cascade. Ball those babies up and wipe away.
Here’s a novel idea: just take a shower after every trip to the bathroom. Lord knows we have the time and could use a little extra cleanliness right now, so just go ahead and hop on in. Or even better: eat nothing but rice to block your bowels right up until the store’s toilet paper stock is replenished.
So there you go my friends. Don’t panic when you run out of tushie tissue, just use your noggin, and I’m sure you’ll find something to make do with until the world returns to normal, and humans are no longer hoarding ungodly quantities of basic necessities.
Andrea Sadowski is working towards her BA in Global Development Studies, with a minor in anthropology and Mennonite studies. When she's not sitting in front of her computer, Andrea enjoys climbing mountains, sleeping outside, cooking delicious plant-based food, talking to animals, and dismantling the patriarchy.
