Aries – Mar. 21 to Apr. 19
The new semester means fresh challenges and an opportunity to jam-pack your calendar with exciting tasks to distract yourself with. Try your best to focus, though, because that hare-brained and ambitious project that was once just a jumble of chaotic scribbles might just come in handy if you’re looking to make some money this year. Be warned, this will require focus and “constructive criticism” — put the ego to bed and take it.
Taurus – Apr. 20 to May 20
How dare they! (You say about a partner who fucked you over by speaking too long to an attractive classmate two years ago). It’s heating you up to think about, you’re longing for something more, something great! Something amazing and new and exciting! This calls for more than a trip to the grocery store. This calls for new adventures (and maybe even a new beau).
Gemini – May 21 to Jun. 20
Gem — you need to shut up. Or at least, tone it down for a minute. The holidays have left you snappy. The fake family facade you created to appease the cousins you don’t really like has worn you down. Try going internally this week. There’s divinity in you and in others, seek it, quietly.
Cancer – Jun. 21 to Jul. 22
Crack open that shell, baby! That weirdo you met over the semester break might just be the one. Throw a party and invite them. Bonus points if you invite a bunch of eccentric deviants.
Leo – Jul. 23 to Aug. 22
Enough with the selfies. Put your phone down and pay attention to your crumbling life behind the screen. You might be surprised at the ease with which your problems can be solved this week.
Virgo – Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’re like, really horny this week. Try to pay attention to what the hottie is saying to you instead of looking at them like they’re a snack. They might have something interesting to say.
Libra – Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The spirits are literally about to kick down your door and redesign your life. Let them.
Scorpio – Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Have you seen ***Wicked: For Good*? That’s kind of like your life rn. Elphaba and Glinda should have been a couple, we all know that. You’re most definitely Elphaba, so try to cheer up (just a little) and quit boring your usual friends with your complaints. That “friend” that’s always been just a “friend” that you’ve kept at a distance for like, ever, might actually be the best person for you right now. Cast some spells together, see what happens.
Sagittarius – Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Didn’t think that reckless spending over the holiday’s would catch up to you, did ya? Well, it has. Time for some bookkeeping, budgeting, and getting your fucking shit together. Clean up your inbox already.
Capricorn – Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You’re not as awky-taco as you think, Capri. It’s time to pull out that statement coat you’ve been stashing at the back of your closet. Dust off the shackles of winter and let yourself shine (maybe even express a positive emotion or two?)
Aquarius – Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Hide.
Pisces – Feb. 19 to Mar. 20
Put the distractions aside and go talk to someone for Christ’s sake. It’s not healthy and people are starting to ask questions…
