Aries – Mar. 21 to Apr. 19
Go lie down.
Taurus – Apr. 20 to May 20
Cut it out eager beaver. You need to take your fellow beavers’ feelings into account. It takes a village to build a dam.
Gemini – May 21 to Jun. 20
In the wise words of Shia LaBeouf: “Just do it.”
Cancer – Jun. 21 to Jul. 22
Yeah, you fucked up, but if you keep thinking about how much you fucked up, you’re going to keep fucking up, so just fucking move on already. You’re not as bad as you think you are.
Leo – Jul. 23 to Aug. 22
Sit down, shut up, and listen.
Virgo – Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
As they say in the Bible, probably dude-aronamy or something, sleep with that baddie in your art class or have that baddie sleep with your art.
Libra – Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
We know you like cheese, but don’t spread yourself as thin as the brie. Knock it off the charcuterie board so the cats can eat it.
Scorpio – Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The baddies know where it’s at, and they’re mother fucking here.
Sagittarius – Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’re being an emotional vampire, and you’re realizing that it’s possible to overdose. Lay off, and you won’t wake up with a hangover anymore.
Capricorn – Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Don’t be a crow.
Aquarius – Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Hold space for everything but your ego. You need to make room for new growth and get over yourself. Good luck!
Pisces – Feb. 19 to Mar. 20
You need some minions to do your bidding.
