By Karen Aney (The Cascade) – Email
Print Edition: May 23, 2012
Every now and then a book comes along that really gets under people’s skin. Harry Potter is one of them – teenaged wizards get on the nerves of most religions. And republicans. One of the most famous “banned books,” though, would have to be DH Lawrence’s Lady Chatterley’s Lover. The book, which is still frowned upon in Australia, was banned pretty much everywhere because sex was filthy and dirty and terrifying. Naturally, this meant that most people read it as soon as they could get their hands on a coveted copy. The reason that it was banned so prolifically wasn’t really about the extramarital nature of the relations. No, Chatterley was deemed scandalous because it was explicit.
Nowadays, referring to all things phallic isn’t so scary. In some circles, it’s downright expected. But there’s still a line drawn in the sexual sand – a boundary between what’s socially acceptable and what isn’t. When that line is crossed, it’s Chatterley all over again. Case in point? Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s firmly ensconced on the New York Times Best Seller’s list, joining the illustrious ranks of works by authors like Hemingway and… Snookie. This is fairly impressive, considering how it got its start in the world.
The novel and its sequels were originally pieces of fan fiction based on the Twilight franchise. James fulfilled what women worldwide had been dreaming of for years – she amped up Meyer’s thinly veiled tome advocating abstinence by having someone take whips and chains to the feckless protagonist. This, however, upset 14-year-old fans everywhere, so James put the story on a personal website instead. Then, she realized that people like reading about dirty, filthy sex, so she changed the character’s names and sold it to a publishing company. Ironically enough, the original publishers are located in Australia.
Being the investigative type, I had to see what the fuss was about. On a trip to Target with two trusted—and sexually awakened—friends, I picked up a copy for myself at 20 per cent off the cover price. On the drive back to the border, I skimmed, trying to find an excerpt I could read to my friends. The first thing I stumbled across was a sexual slavery contract. I showed it to my friend, and she told me to find an excerpt to read out loud.
Now, I’m not the shy type, readers. Particularly not with my friends. But every time I found one of the frequent graphic scenes, I couldn’t bring myself to read out loud. Not because it was that dirty, mind you—I already told you I’m not exactly shy—but because the interactions between Anabelle [Bella Swan] Steele and the exceeding rich and handsome Christian [Edward Cullen] Grey were just too hot.
Yes, James can write sex. She does it very well. Unfortunately, her skills stop there. The novel is full of repetition. In fact, I tried to figure out if Steele’s college roommate was ever introduced into the plot without being called tenacious, but my head got sore from beating it against a brick wall so I had to stop the tally. Also, Anabelle orgasms by shattering into a million pieces. Every time – except for the times she shatters into a thousand pieces, that is.
The plot itself is completely secondary to the individual sexual encounters. Nothing really happens; in fact, the entirety of the novel spans the space of about one week. Even a college graduation is overshadowed by how totally hot Christian is and how hot that makes Anabelle. If I’m being kind, this speaks to the author’s strength in writing erotica – but really, it just alludes to her complete inability to portray anything in a compelling nature that doesn’t make areas south of the belt tingle.
The characters themselves are virtually indistinguishable from their Twilight inspirations, minus some sparkly skin. In fact, Anabelle is even referred to as Ana—Ana, Bella—see the similarity? Yes, they’re basically the same characters found in Meyer’s novel – which is to say, they’re boring, predictable and completely flat. They don’t change or develop, except when Ana develops bruises and Christian’s muscle tone changes after giving them to her.
Ana’s attempts at individuality and independence are laughable, as they all fail in the face of her being, like, so totally in love with Christian. However, it gives him a good excuse to punish her: the first time she rolled her eyes at him resulted in her being taken over his knee for a spanking. Oh, and then they had sex. So, that’s one thing James has done right; she takes her weaknesses and the incredible ineptitude of the characters, and she uses them as an excuse to write more sex scenes – which she actually is good at.
So, it’s a pretty terribly written novel. It has no plot to speak of, and the characters are terrible. The repetition is irritating and inescapable – just terrible. So overall, terrible. But the sex is intense, and can teach you a few things if you’re looking to expand your sexual horizons. And hey, it’s easier than porn – the novel looks like an unassuming story about a lawyer. If the people who see you buying it know otherwise, it’s only because they’ve read it too. It’s a great way to start humanizing kinky sex for yourself, because every instance of it in the novel is completely unassuming and ends safely. It’s also worth noting that Ben Wa ball sales have gone up 300 per cent since the book’s publication – according to the company that makes them. So pick up the book, learn about the importance of safe words, but don’t expect to read it on the bus. You’ll want the privacy.
