By Roxy Carleton (Sexpert) – Email
Print Edition: October 1, 2014
So you’ve heard about BDSM and you’re curious. It can be an intimidating practice to get into; the quest for kinkiness can be a sea of misinformation, and BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism) can be genuinely dangerous.
To start, research will be your best friend. Before you bring anything into the bedroom, you must research it first. You need to know the risks, but you also want to be able to get the most fun out of it.
BDSM also requires a tonne of communication. For your first time, make sure your partner is someone you know and trust. You have to feel completely free to say whatever you feel in before-and-after discussions. The before discussion is where you introduce any new ideas you’d like to try, and where you or your partner can express any desires or concerns you may have. The after discussion is where you check in to make sure everything went well for both parties.
Having a “safe word” is the most important thing you’ll need to establish, especially as you learn what you like and what you’re just not comfortable with. Some ideas sound great in books or films, but in real life turn out to be less thrilling than expected. In this sense, the sub has to have the most control. As soon as the stop command is given, the scenario must stop. Despite what E.L. James has anything, ignoring the safe word is never okay. Also keep in mind that you might not be able to speak in situations involving gags, so you’ll need to establish some kind of non-verbal signal. This is where planning ahead is important.
Surprises are never a good idea. A lot of pornography depicts people being happily surprised with an unplanned sex act. In real life, it’s a good way to get seriously injured, or to violate someone’s trust.
While it may be tempting to try the hardcore stuff right away, it is better to start small and work your way up. Don’t start out with knife-play or piercing. Start with some light bondage and build from there. Even if you are really eager to try inverted suspension, it’s better to take it slow. You may even find you like the milder scenarios more, but if you skip right over them you’ll never know.
Generally, it is not a good idea to mix your real life with your fantasy life. If you’ve had a disagreement in your real life, you need to sort it out in real life. You cannot punish your partner in the fantasy world. Bringing reality into the fantasy will only limit and frustrate you.
BDSM can be a great way to elevate your sex life. So if you think it’s for you, do your research, talk with your partner, start slow, and give it a try. Be safe, and have fun with it!
