By Dessa Bayrock (The Cascade) – Email
Print Edition: February 20, 2013
Right at this moment, our beloved university is much like the tender sprouting plant on official UFV stationery, but also like that plant we have a lot of growing to do.
Student body, I have a dream of what’s to come.
Let me tell you about UFV 200 years in the future.
Our student body will increase to 50,000 or so. Some of those will be dolphins, since anyone who can fill out an application is more than welcome at UFV, and I’m sure dolphins will at least learn to dictate in the next 20 years or so. To accommodate them, the university will build Baker House 2.0, which will be completely underwater. During the first year Baker 2.0 is open, there will be an entertaining mix-up where international students are accidentally assigned dolphin quarters.
Overall, we’ll need a bigger campus. After buying a nearby strawberry farm to turn into additional buildings, UFV admin will quickly see the benefit of unlimited strawberries and instead start construction where free parking used to be.
Dear old King Road campus will see some other changes as well; after overwhelming majorities pass several oddly-effective referendums, half of all staircases on campus are turned into slides. Likewise, a ski lift is installed to carry students and faculty from the cafeteria to the top of A building.
After many years battling leaks, library staff realize that G building is not leaking, per se, but has somehow developed its own cycle of seasons. Oddly enough, this proves to be an effective anti-procrastination tool, since students quickly realize research will have to be done in the months before G building is closed for monsoons.
Mark Evered completes his initial term as president in the current century, but, due to popular demand, returns as UFV’s first cyborg administrator in 2154. One of his first projects is to single-handedly complete the Student Union Building, which has been in progress for the last 140 years.
The campus pub is quickly put out of business when Tim Horton’s begins selling beer.
The women’s volleyball team has won every game for the last 100 years, mostly because the institution refuses to let any of them graduate.
To the university’s chagrin, the city of Chilliwack continues to renew its contract with the RCMP to keep the firing range at CEP open. UFV eventually gives up and begins scheduling classes around the gunfire schedule. The RCMP, very nicely, informs professors when they’ll be testing bazookas so classes can be cancelled.
Giving a whole new meaning to the phrase “satellite campus,” students secretly build rocket boosters below UFV’s Chandigarh campus and launch it into space.
These are my dreams for the future. I have no doubt that UFV will live up to my expectations in every way.
