I grew up going to church with Mennonites. I even attended Mennonite Educational Institute secondary school here in Abbotsford for one year. Recently, however, I realized that I don’t really know much about Mennonites at all, other than the fact that they make up a large part of Abbotsford’s population, and – by extension – the population of UFV. I recently talked with a Mennonite to try and find out more about this interesting and mysterious group of people.
Q: What is a Mennonite and where did they come from?
A: “The Mennonites,” are a group of people who are usually Christian farmers. Where they come from is a mystery. Our people have been known to reside in Russia, Brazil, and Abbotsford.
Q: Are Mennonites essentially the Jews of the north?
A: The simple answer is yes, or if we are going with the Low German response, “yo.” Mennonites buy land, and cultivate the land for free by using their children for slave labour. Another option is to own a construction company, and make it so no one can build anything unless it’s built by a Mennonite (or the evil Dutch). Mennonites are also very cheap, always scanning the coupon section of the flyers to get the best deals on food.
Q: Were Mennonites polygamists? If not, why are there so many of them in Abbotsford?
A: I don’t know if there is any polygamy for sure, but there is a lot of procreating. My Dad is from a family of 10 and my Mom from a family of 6, and all of their brothers and sisters…well, you get the point. There are 247 of us at Christmas dinner – we rent out a church basement.
Q: How do you feel about borscht?
A: Borscht to Mennonites is comparable to how the Scots feel about their family crest. “My Mom makes better borscht than your Mom” is a common phrase thrown around in the young Mennonite community (usually at Youth group). Borscht is something I eat every week, it’s delicious.
Q: What is considered healthy Mennonite cuisine?
A: Mennonites strongly believe in full fat meals, no preservatives, such as using margarine. Full fat cream, butter, and bacon fat to fry your onions in… I would describe Mennonites as meat and potato meal kind of families. We also make the best bread and buns.
Q: What percentage do Mennonites tip?
A: 0% if I don’t have a cup of coffee within 5 minutes, 5% if they refill my coffee to the requirements (when it’s half full, fill it up), 10% if you’re [a] Mennonite waitress/waiter.
Q: Does being Christian make Mennonites cheap? Or is it genetic?
A: I think Mennonites are still upset about having to tithe, so maybe it’s a domino effect. Probably just genetic though; we have an extra chromosome.
Q: Do you and your family attend church?
A: I’m a wayward Mennonite, so I don’t go to church. But the rest of my 246 relatives love the Lord.
Q: Do you still self-identify as a Mennonite despite being a godless heathen?
A: Absolutely. I feel like it gives a good bio. “Look at that Menno drink! She sure can take it back!” Or: “She’s good in bed despite being a Mennonite!”
Q: What makes you proud to be a Mennonite?
A: I am very thrifty. I know how to pinch my pennies and always get the best deal. It also makes for great stories, because my childhood was so ridiculous. Every Saturday was family day at my house, and as a family we would go search local garbage containers for pop cans and other recyclables to return for money.
Q: Thank you for your time. Do you have any Mennonite jokes you want to leave us with?
A: Well, we don’t like the Dutch: what’s the difference between an empty pipe and a Dutchman in love with a Mennonite? One’s a hollow cylinder and one’s a silly Hollander.
