By Alex Watkins (News Editors) – Email
A recent trip to the bar has reminded me yet again that many people – particularly intoxicated people – haven’t the slightest idea how to navigate expressions of their sexuality in public. That’s right, I’m talking about public displays of affection. Unless you’re a hermit living in physical and electronic isolation from the rest of the world – and don’t pull that one with me, fool, because I know you’re reading this – you’ve probably witnessed at least some form of PDA, ranging from altogether innocent to gut-churning public foreplay.
Human beings as a whole can be strangely oblivious to the reactions of the people around them but throw a couple cheap beers into the mix and the result is often pandemic nausea. With this in mind, I’ve devised a few guidelines to decode those tricky social norms for all you drunken lovers. If you’re seeing double, all the better. You probably need to read the message twice for it to fully sink in, anyway.
Hand-holding: Perfectly acceptable, due to its harmless nature and low level of both physical contact and noise – although your hands might be put to better use holding your beers, or sweeping the hair back from your lover’s face as he or she vomits sweetly in the dew-glazed alleyway. The only exception is if the hand itself is no longer attached to a body. Not only is that creepy but totally incriminating. Get it together, lads!
Kissing: This one is tricky, because the kiss is a creature that exists in many forms. A quick peck on the lips is generally non-offensive, particularly in the standard greeting sense. Anything that is noisy or sloppy – or extends beyond several seconds – is probably best relocated to a more private area. Anything that involves biting, ropy strands of drool, or retainer-swapping will probably cause others to lose their lunch on your bar-star best, so keep that in mind.
Groping: This one skids right off the track and veers into the territory of disgusting. Do this somewhere else… please, anywhere else. If you’re looking for suggestions, I would propose a bathroom (but be prepared to face the wrath of those with low-endurance bladders), your car (unless, for some reason, it is also in the bar), or an alleyway (if you’re really desperate and are turned on by danger, like the idea that you might get caught by a stranger, or contract hepatitis).
Pet names: Unacceptable! If I hear you call your significant other (or perhaps insignificant other, if you’re into one-nighters) “foofie poops” or “fluff muffin cakes” within my general vicinity, it had better be followed by something like: “Bartender, give me enough alcohol to wipe this nauseating incident from all innocent bystanders’ memories forever.” Yes, it is sweet that you care about each other (or are at least pretending to in order to do the no pants dance later). No, I don’t want to hear about it.
There you have it, a totally noncomprehensive list straight from the horse’s bitter, bitter mouth. Put it to good use, my fellow bar-mates.
