Date Posted: May 17, 2011
Print Edition: May 13, 2011
By Karen Aney (The Cascade) – Email
Injuries are serious things no matter what sport you’re playing. The NFL and NHL are currently deeply concerned about the dangers of concussions; the frightening truth is that fans are at danger of injuries every bit as serious. Bandwagoning has its own set of dangers that are very real, and while a lockout isn’t realistic for a fantastically large fan base, there are some simple steps bandwagoners can take to avoid potential tragedy.
First, while riding the bandwagon, take the time to ensure that you are seated in the direction of the grain of the wood. This way, while sliding off the back, you are less likely to be riddled with splinters. While this may seem like an insignificant injury, splinters can turn into gaping, gangrened pustules. No big deal.
Second, remember your gravol for those long bandwagon trips. There’s bound to be some bumps along the road, which inevitably will result in nausea. This could lead to excessive expulsion of stomach contents all over your fellow bandwagoners. In such close quarters, this is sure to be a breeding ground for bacteria. It could, in fact, lead to a new plague – possible names for this epidemic include the white, blue and green death, or mad whale disease.
Third, be sure to remember your running shoes, because once you’ve jumped off the bandwagon, you’re going to want to keep pace with it. Otherwise, you’ll be stumbling to catch up to those fans that chose to stay on the bandwagon rather than jump off prematurely. This can result in embarrassment – premature “anything” is never good – but also a myriad of injuries that come along with running without proper stretching and equipment. Muscle cramps aren’t flattering, especially combined with the cellulite you probably gained during your campout on the wagon during the regular season. Also, the ground is rough and shin splints are no myth, people!
Another very real danger is the potential for other nearby bandwagons to claim stragglers. Basketball recruiters are a sneaky bunch; all it takes is one camouflage-suited brass hiding at the side of the road while you gracefully spring back onto the bandwagon and BAM, you’re exiled to Grizzlies territory, where your body is sure to become riddled with ugly tattoos and your hair will almost certainly become progressively greasier. This greasy mess could even potentially start changing colours, at which point you’ll need to hire a full-time lawyer for all the sexual assault accusations that will follow you everywhere you go. So take care – only jump if you’re sure no one’s around to catch you doing so.
Possibly the best piece of advice for bandwagoners, though, is to take some hormone pills and – to be vulgar – grow a pair. If watching a winning team has made you realize how great the team is 24/7, perfect! Welcome aboard. Just remember to use those new-found testosterone sacks and stick it out when they aren’t doing so great. It’s not worth the hospital time if you don’t.
