“Love language” has become a trendy buzzword, but there’s true merit behind understanding how you and your partner receive love differently. When you start a new partnership, you begin the journey of teaching them how to love you: what do you appreciate and need in a relationship to feel happy, connected, and loved? Similarly, it’s good to know how your loved one wants to be appreciated and what the best way is to let them know you care. This concept was developed in the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman through his experience in marriage counselling. Anyone can apply the idea of love languages to help connect with someone in their life, whether it be a lover, friend, or family.
Words of affirmation: This involves expressing affection through spoken words. If you appreciate something about your partner or think they do something well, tell them. Express gratitude, give encouragement, and offer compliments. Someone with this love language might enjoy getting a cute text to let them know they’re on your mind, hearing “I love you” or “thank you,” or being told all the reasons why you enjoy being with them.
Quality time: This involves giving your partner your undivided attention. A great idea to incorporate this into your love life is carving out time intentionally to spend together. The activity can be anything from a walk, debriefing about your day, or cooking a meal together. Emphasis is on “quality,” though, as in give them your attention and put the phone away. Make eye contact with this partner, share meaningful time together, and actively listen to what they’re saying.
Receiving gifts: This involves giving your partner a thoughtful token of love. It’s not the gift itself, but it’s the time and effort behind the gift that makes them feel appreciated. After all, actions speak louder than words. These symbols of love don’t need to be over-the-top or expensive: you could get them hand-picked flowers, food they’ve always wanted to try, or a keychain that made you think of them. For someone with this love language, consider keeping a list of what they’ve asked for and surprise them every so often.
Acts of service: This involves doing something for your partner to make their life easier. This can be easing household responsibilities by helping with chores, doing something nice for them unprompted, or just simply asking what would help ease their burdens. Maybe it’s breakfast in bed, getting them Starbucks, or preparing their gym bag for them ahead of time.
Physical touch: This involves giving your partner physical affection. This doesn’t have to mean mind-blowing sex (although that can’t hurt). It can be giving them a big hug, playfully smacking their behind, holding their hand, or giving them a massage. Look to be close physically, like cuddling while watching a movie, when you’re together to induce a little extra physical intimacy.
What do you do with this information? The best way to use the idea of love languages is to apply it! Take a quiz online or reflect on what makes a fun date for you, what you actively need in a relationship, or what you commonly request from your partner. If you want to learn more about how this concept applies to your partner, instead of guessing or trying to read minds, open a conversation about it. Ask questions and be curious and nonjudgmental about the answer. If there’s a disconnect in love languages, this can lead to disconnects in the relationship or in needs not being met. If your partner is busy, they may buy you a gift to show that they’ve been thinking of you, but that isn’t always well-received when you really just want them to cuddle you on the couch instead.
Secondly, use this concept as a stepping stone, not a bible. Love languages are a fun way to connect and communicate with a loved one, but they shouldn’t be the only tool in your arsenal. Don’t use love languages to limit how you show or receive love, and don’t expect them to be the only thing you need for a successful relationship. Accept that at different stages in your life, you’re going to need different forms of love and you’re going to need to communicate that. If you’re grieving a loss, healing from an injury, angry at your partner, or are celebrating a success, these events could all alter what you need to feel loved, and that’s okay.
Image: Brielle Quon / The Cascade
Chandy is a biology major/chemistry minor who's been a staff writer, Arts editor, and Managing Editor at The Cascade. She began writing in elementary school when she produced Tamagotchi fanfiction to show her peers at school -- she now lives in fear that this may have been her creative peak.
