Print Edition: July 3, 2013
Everything’s wrong with marmalade
I don’t care, Paddington Bear. You may think marmalade is the bees’ knees, but it’s just the worst.
Marmalade tries so hard to be jam but it’s basically everything citrus fruit doesn’t want. Literally. It’s made from orange peels. We don’t eat the peel and yet, for some reason, Paddington Bear is forcing us to smear it on our toast?
I call foul, sir!
When given the choice in the preserves aisle of the grocery store, who in their right mind goes for the strange yellow one? There’s the classic strawberry, the slightly more exciting raspberry, the mysterious boysenberry – and yet there are weirdos out there choosing marmalade?
The M word seems more like a form of breakfast torture. Criminals are presumably forced to find bits of boiled orange rind smeared across the top of their stale toast. Bad children see a jelly jar and get excited only to be disappointed by sour goo.
Stop trying to be jam.
Stop trying to be jelly.
Stop trying to be in people’s breakfasts.
Paddington Bear was wrong. It’s time for you to leave.
Horoscope thievery!
Offices, coffee shops, and fast food joints often have newspapers handy for clients to read. I like to take advantage of this by picking up a paper I would otherwise have to pay for and reading it cover to cover.
(Okay, I admit – I don’t read the sports section.)
Sometimes, if the events of the day have been particularly gloomy (murder, burned buildings, and social injustice), I like to banish the resulting cloud of cynicism with the levity of a positive horoscope and a cute comic or two. I don’t actually believe the stars have much bearing on my day, but the predictions can be fun to read.
Nine times out of 10, the horoscope and the comics are ripped out.
Why do people steal horoscopes? Do they save them for later to see if they come true? Do they sit at the bottom of someone’s purse until the newsprint fades?
If you’re a horoscope or comic thief, please consider leaving the light and fluffy part of the paper alone next time to balance out the bad news.
The age old question: pancakes vs waffles
Whether you’re dousing hot pancakes with syrup or spraying whipped cream onto a lightly crisped waffle, you know that breakfast will knock your socks off. Both are delicious in their own right, but at the end of the day, which is better?
I took a poll using my friends’ opinions on this important issue, and overwhelmingly the results came in favour of waffles. It would seem that the crispy texture of a golden-brown waffle has convinced many that it is the ultimate breakfast meal.
I wasn’t so easily swayed.
Given the choice, pancakes are the winner of breakfast in my heart. Why? The creation of maple syrup was only to compliment the pancake’s awesome flavour. Pancakes can be rolled up with all sorts of fillings for eating on the go. Pancakes can be cooked on any flat grill or pan, with no need for any special cooking apparatus. Lastly, pancakes have been dated back to the fifth century B.C., and they’re still hip and happening.
It’s clear: pancakes rule and waffles drool.
But don’t take my word on it, try a pancake today!
Patience and influence
When we tell people what movies are good, what music is awful, or how to do something, how much are we constricting their own choices?
The way I see it, if people truly have conviction in their beliefs, it would be wrong in their mind not to spread them to others. It’s why there are people willing to go door to door to see if they can convince you about their god, or persuade you to buy a new vacuum.
So even though the last conversation I had with an evangelist—while getting into my car—wasn’t exactly enlightening, it meant a lot to them to have someone listen. Whether or not I agreed they’ll never know, but they needed to give their beliefs to me.
My personal issue is with who we try to inculcate and with how much force. Don’t make your kid vote the same way you do, go to the same church, or associate with the “right” people. Not every young person is going to have the nerve or the knowledge to disagree with their elders, and we have to remember that. People can give their opinions, but they can’t make them mine.
