By Nick Ubels (The Cascade) – Email
Print Edition: February 29, 2012
What do you get when you combine a comically oversized soccer ball and six to eight men sporting potentially lethal electroshock weapons? The answer is no joke, though it may come as a shock.
Taser ball is the latest in a long lineage of increasingly “extreme” 21st century sports seemingly designed to try the patience of the public safety commissioner. Turns out volcano boarding and limbo skating just weren’t dangerous enough for some people.
The rules of Taser ball, as outlined in Ultimate Taser Ball , are really, truly simple. While “Ultimate” implies that there was a less “extreme” original this version was based on, this reporter could find no evidence of such a precursor, bringing the legitimacy of the whole operation into question. Two teams of three (or four, the official website is maddeningly inconsistent in its tallies) attempt to toss, roll, or kick a rubber, oversized 24-inch soccer ball into the opposing team’s yawning net. The catch being that both forwards and defenders are armed with stun guns with which to shock any player in possession of the ball into giving it up. The stun gun part seems like a bit of a cop out coming after the sport’s more electrifying title, but it turns out that Tasers cause things like cardiac arrest and even death on a regular basis. Stun guns turn down the voltage considerably, but consider the insightful words of Philadelphia Kilowatts’ Jason Bornstein, “It hurts man; it doesn’t feel good. That’s why the cops use ‘em.”
The pain of getting tazed in the middle of a blitz for the goal is made evident in an endless reel of excruciating slow-motion highlights presented on the homepage of Ultimate Taser Ball’s website. Athletes crumple to the ground mid-stride, landing in a heap of dazed humiliation.
Other rules to remember? Tackling is in, punching is out. Taser ball is essentially a full-contact ball game plus weapons.
According to Discovery.com, the sport was invented by Canadians – enter obligatory “hockey wasn’t violent enough for those ‘Nucks” joke here – Leif Kellenberger, Eric Prum and Erik Wunsc, whose prior credentials include undisclosed dealings in the highly reputable world of “professional paintball.” The trio was apparently brainstorming ideas for new extreme sports when they stumbled across this store of untapped potential.
One of the sport’s great ironies is that it is illegal in its creators’ home country. All matches are played in either the state of California or Thailand due to legal reasons, though there are teams hailing from Toronto and Philadelphia in addition to the San Diego and Los Angeles squads. The Philadelphia Kilowatts are a particularly fearsome team to watch out for, the official website’s bio characterizing their philosophy thusly: “savage aggression and blatant disregard for the taze.”
The team and player bios smack of Taser ball’s distant cousin, professional wrestling, further suggesting the organizers are aiming for something more spectacle than true athletic contest. But there’s still the actual violence to contend with and the practitioners’ serious demeanour; it’s pro wrestling without a hint of playfulness.
So where do we go from here? What is the next step in sports with low watchability and a high pain threshold? My suggestion: bear spray bumper pool. Investors take note.
