By Nadine Moedt (The Cascade) – Email
Print Edition: November 13, 2013
It’s a lesson often learned the hard way, and one I’ve begun to associate with the experience of receiving a gift: if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
They say it’s better to give than to receive. I always thought that was because of the feel-good sensation of selflessness. However, there’s a obligation attached to receiving a gift that dampens the spirit of idealistic selflessness involved.
As Marcel Mauss wrote in his 1925 book, The Gift, there is nothing free about being given a gift. Mauss argues that because a present contains an element of the giver themselves, the receiver of the gift feels a social obligation to reciprocate. This can be done in any number of ways, but if one fails to give back, it can mean losing honour, status, or authority. In other words, being given a present creates a responsibility on the receiver’s part to repay what he or she was given. Further, this process creates a bond between giver and receiver, a relationship that grows more powerful over time.
That might seem great, but it’s a dangerous foundation for a relationship, and one all-too-easily taken advantage of. Think of sleazy men buying drinks for girls at the bar, or the dodgy salesman giving complimentary breakfasts and spa days before dazzled vacationers listen to his timeshare sales pitch. It can be as simple as that acquaintance who gives a bigger gift than his relationship with you warrants, and the frustrating obligation you might feel to match it.
Receiving a gift can be a little like a trap.
The nature of gift-giving is frustrating. With the Christmas season approaching, I am already dreading the challenge of quantifying my personal relationships. Which acquaintances deserve cards? Which friends should get presents? How much should I spend on each gift?
Perhaps the most frustrating thing is that even as important and accepted as presents are in our culture, the rules have never been clearly laid out. There is no simple, commonly understood way to determine which of your friends you should buy gifts for, how much you should spend, or how to make up for grossly misjudging the amount of money your friends were going to spend on your gift. “My other present for you is still at my house, I’ll give it to you later,” isn’t as convincing the third year in a row.
Maybe one day the process of giving and receiving presents will magically make sense to me. Maybe the rules will become clear, the obligations more pleasant, and the pitfalls of gift-giving will melt away. Maybe, but for now, exercise caution.
