by Jennifer Colbourne (Staff Writer) – Email
Lady Gaga is planning to take over the world. Literally.
First, let’s get the facts straight. Lady Gaga is not your run of the mill pop star. For one, she has actual talent. She doesn’t have a group of people writing her songs for her, synthesizing her voice, and plasticizing her body. Not only does she write her own songs, she writes catchy songs with shitty lyrics that have wide appeal to the broad masses, her voice is gorgeous, and her outlandishly sexy haute-couture fashion-art outfits really pull in the horny shock effect.
Lady Gaga is more than aware that her image and her music exist for marketing purposes only. Aside from making the gossip headlines, her meat dress, I think, put it the most aptly: “I am nothing more than sexy meat – you’ll talk about me and criticize me, but you’ll buy me, bitches!” She is the ultimate pop synthesis: put Madonna, Michael Jackson, and Queen in a blender and voila, Lady Gaga. Her name derives from the Queen song “Radio Gaga,” which is a song about all the crap on the radio and how well it sells. By calling herself “Lady Gaga,” Gaga is tacitly acknowledging she is the Lady of Radio Crap. The name “Fame Monster” couldn’t be more aptly chosen.
So why is she purposefully selling herself? Clearly, there is a conscious effort behind what is going on here, for such a talented young lady to sacrifice herself in such fashion to the altar of pop. The answer? To make tons of money, and gain power and influence. Forget running for President. You own pop culture, baby, you own the world.
What will she do with all this power? What does anybody do with power and money? She’s buying weapons of mass destruction. On June 8th of last year, she even revealed to the public the private army she is building. Many have mistaken the move as nothing more than a pop video with dancers reminiscent of Michael Jackson’s epic choreography, but the truth is that the self-confessed defender of gay rights is recruiting a massive, gay army. Thanks to the American Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy, her ranks are now swollen.
Also little known is that Lady Gaga is infiltrating cities world-wide with her connections to the mafia. It should be obvious since she is Catholic and from New York, after all. Who do you think Alejandro, Roberto, and Fernando are? They’re Italian mafia men. My guess is that once she has secured absolute power once and for all, they’ll be toast. Take, for instance, the golden jawed man she burns alive in bed, or the man with the eye-patch she poisons – all criminal underground types. She’s sending a message, but whether or not the mafia is listening I think we’ll find out sooner rather than later.
“I’ve made it my goal to revolutionize pop music” – she’s said it herself. It’s just a matter of time now. World revolution is coming from within America – forget Al Qaeda, Communism, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, or Kim Jong-il. It’s best to submit to the inevitable and just accept the fact that we’re about to have one hell of a sexy world dictator. 2012 will be the year of Gaga.
