Horoscopes

Aries – Mar. 21 to Apr. 19

Frustrated? Join the club. You know what you want, now it’s time to make it happen. Maybe it’s time to cut out the narcissist in your life. I know it helped me.

Taurus – Apr. 20 to May 20

Anxiety is just anxiety. Say it again. Don’t let those big scary feelings take over. Time to snap the fuck out of it.

Gemini – May 21 to Jun. 21

Mercury’s gone retrograde friend. Whatever TF that means I think you should probably slow down and chill TF out.

Cancer – Jun. 22 to Jul. 22

All right, sensitive queen. You’re back in your cycle of focusing all on other people again while your own needs go unaccounted for. Be a little more of a selfish bitch or you’ll be ruled by more than just the moon soon. 

Leo – Jul. 23 to Aug. 22

Are you overwhelmed? Do you focus too much on what’s going wrong and forget what’s going right? Maybe it’s time to try some fucking positivity. Recommended by four out of five astrologists.

Virgo – Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Overall vibe… 7/10. Too emotional, looks in the wrong places for solutions, ignores feedback from the right people. Wouldn’t come back again.

Libra – Sept. 23 to Oct. 23

You’re a slave to the machine and news flash, the machine hates you. Is starting a 401K really that important? Student loans will always be there to haunt you, you don’t have to pay them off just yet. You’ve made it, sure… but at what cost? 

Scorpio – Oct. 24 to Nov. 21

Way to abandon your friends and move halfway across the country for some guy. Thanks a lot. (If this doesn’t apply to you it’s because it’s a fucking metaphor. Use your noggin, Jesus fucking Christ.) 

Sagittarius – Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Ah, the brooding. It can be so fun, amiright? But your destiny doesn’t have to be darkness, you can (and really should) ask for help. Cuz girl, lord knows you need it. 

Capricorn – Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Knock knock! Who’s there? It’s the grown-up police! They’re here to revoke your grown-up status, you’re abusing it and making the rest of the grown-ups feel bad. Get your crayons out, it’s time to colour! Plus I heard ***Bluey* (2018-) is a pretty cool TV show, maybe you should watch it. 

Aquarius – Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Remember when ***Buffy the Vampire Slayer* (1997-2003) stabbed her vampire boyfriend (who had ***just* gotten his soul back) and pushed him into a vortex that took him to another dimension because if she didn’t the world would get sucked into a black hole? That’s kind of like how you are right now. 

Pisces – Feb. 19 to Mar. 20

Masturbate more.

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