Aries – Mar. 21 to Apr. 19
Look, there are a lot of shiny objects to chase. The thing is, they’re sometimes ouchy. You can simply not and stop getting hurt, but where’s the fun in that? A little self destruction now and then never hurts, right? Can’t heal if you don’t bleed, I always say.
Taurus – Apr. 20 to May 20
Oh, so you hate yourself, huh? You’re the worst person to ever exist and everyone would be better off without you, right? God, how narcissistic of you. Everyone else is suffering so just join the club and wallow with friends already.
Gemini – May 21 to Jun. 21
Well Gemini, looks like you took enough mushrooms that your ego has completely died. All that soy-boy liberal lefty advice has certainly paid off well. Keep it up.
Cancer – Jun. 22 to Jul. 22
Doing good deeds for others out of the kindness of your heart is what keeps communities healthy and whole. Time to cash in and monetize your kindness. Gotta pay the bills somehow and those schmucks in need better be ready to pay up cuz you’re coming to “bitch better get my money.”
Leo – Jul. 23 to Aug. 22
Inner children are a pain in the ass. Always crying, in need of attention. You never asked to parent this incessant, broken child. Alas, she’s in there. And it’s not a good look to neglect her. Maybe give her a cookie or something because she’s not going anywhere and if she keeps crying you’re gonna get a headache.
Virgo – Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You and Leo are walking hand in hand, except instead of resenting your inner child, you’re the mom that gives mom. She hydrates between tequila shots, goes home before the bar closes, doesn’t sleep with that toxic ex. Maybe give Leo a hand, they’re not doing so great at this.
Libra – Sept. 23 to Oct. 23
Banging your head repeatedly into a wall may feel good, sometimes it even breaks the wall right open and you don’t have to use the door. However, this is not one of those times. Use the door.
Scorpio – Oct. 24 to Nov. 21
That ChatGPT psychosis is peak rn. Use it to your advantage, yes, you are God, yes, you are about to give birth to the child who will serve as the vehicle for the return of Christ. Use it wisely.
Sagittarius – Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
“So, okay, like right now, for example, the Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all, “What about the strain on our resources?” But it’s like, when I had this garden party for my father’s birthday, right? I said RSVP because it was a sit-down dinner. But people came that, like, did not RSVP, so I was, like, totally buggin’. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, squish in extra place settings, but by the end of the day, it was, like, the more the merrier! And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion, may I please remind you that it does not say “RSVP” on the Statue of Liberty?”
Capricorn – Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Ran out of space in this column covering sag (duh, it’s Cher), so only three words for you: punch him again.
Aquarius – Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You shouldn’t have to do this! Unfortunately, you have to do this. Don’t worry, it’ll all be over soon.
Pisces – Feb. 19 to Mar. 20
No one likes working and I know you’re waiting around for your sugar mommy but her ferry has been delayed and sadly this means you’re going to have to get the fuck up and do it yourself. I know, life is so unfair for a pretty girl like you.
