Aries – Pineapple jalapeño margarita
Tequila, triple sec, pineapple juice, lime juice, agave syrup, jalapeño slices
Pierre Teilhard de Chardin stated that “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience.” You, my friend, take that human experience as a game. You get bored easily and are always looking for the next thrill. You’re the type whose friends have learned never to dare, because you will do anything if only for the lore. When you start a statement with “this one time I …” no one knows what will come out next. For your adventurous spirit, I say try a pineapple jalapeño margarita. After all, spicy people deserve spicy drinks.
Taurus – Tom Collins
Gin, lemon juice, simple syrup, soda water
You’re more set in your ways than a fossil is in stone. Expectations breed resentment and yet you expect everything to be the same as it was before. For someone like you who hates changes I suggest a classic. First published in 1876 in a bartender’s guide, the Tom Collins matches your simplicity and rigidity of spirit. Whether you like it or not the seasons don’t care if you enjoy change, and summer is coming to an end. Go ahead and give this Tom a try. Maybe after a few of these you’ll loosen up a bit. Who knows what it could lead to. Maybe you’ll relax, maybe you’ll laugh, maybe you’ll stop wearing that fucking shirt.
Gemini – Kiwi Caipirinha
Cachaça, kiwi, lime, sugar
Everyone needs to know how cultured you are. You pride yourself on the two languages you speak and the handful more you know how to ask “where is the bathroom?” in. If only to get you to stop talking about your recent travelling experience, drink a Kiwi Caipirinha. It’ll give you the same amount of oh-you’re-so-cool reactions, without needing to listen to you talk for ages about yourself. It’s a charismatic drink for a charismatic character. You’ll have fun pronouncing it, and you’ll have even more fun correcting those who mispronounce it; you know, like you do when they say “eXpresso” instead of “eSSpresso”.
Cancer – Vodka lemonade
Vodka, lemonade, lemon slice, mint leaves
You have watched Gilmore Girls (2000-2007) more times than you want to admit. You like the smell of old books, the beauty of a hand scripted letter, and the distant affection of cats. For the knitting-type who can’t wait for autumn to arrive, for seekers of coziness and comfort, for those who make plans out of a masochistic love for regret, I offer you the vodka lemonade. I know it’s not even remotely close to your beloved pumpkin spiced latte you’re anticipating eagerly, but it is seasonal. Grab your latest yarn project, sit on the front porch, and have a glass. I promise it will still feel homey and pleasant, and a little summery too.
Leo – Paloma
Tequila, grapefruit juice, lime juice, soda water, agave syrup
You can’t bear the thought of being just another face in the crowd. That fear drives you to ambitions that don’t always match your talents. You want to stand out, so your actions are loud. You seek luxury, so you buy Gucci. If you want a drink that says “I am a Rolex among smartwatches” then the Paloma is the drink for you. You can drink it whilst claiming you discovered grapefruit cocktails before they were popular. You can even pair it with a bit of humour. In fact, here is a joke that matches your uniqueness. What do you call a hipster, who claims to be a hipster? A paradox my dear.
Virgo – Sex on the Beach
Vodka, peach schnapps, orange juice, cranberry juice
Your natural state is to be as stressed as a nun’s lips in prayer. You spread yourself thinner than a hooker’s hymen. Your understanding of a relaxing afternoon is spending hours on Notion, going over your life with a colour code and numerical system. You need some time off. You need some self-care. Above all, you need sex … on the beach. You might not like the name, but you love how the taste reminds you of those Shirley Temples you drank in excess when you were 13. The nostalgia alone will be worth it, but if that doesn’t get you, the vodka will.
Libra – Rum Punch
Light rum, dark rum, pineapple juice, orange juice, lime juice, grenadine
Everything with you becomes an internal philosophical debate. You like to consider all options. Often paralyzed by the presentation of multiple paths, you struggle to decide on anything. All 36 flavours of ice cream tickle your fancy, but no one has that much appetite. To fight your indecisive nature this summer I recommend the Rum Punch. It’s an easy choice that will get you to where you need to go. Have fun exploring other drinks as well, but if your inability to choose blocks the long line of patrons, default to this gem for a quick fix.
Scorpio – Blackberry Bourbon Smash
Bourbon, blackberries, lime juice, mint leaves, simple syrup, club soda
Ah yes, the rebel without a cause. You need a drink that says I’m tough and love to argue. A drink that reflects your dry humour. A drink that provokes reaction and shocks those who think they know you. But, let’s face it, putting aside performance you secretly long for the fruity cocktails that just don’t match your ‘aesthetic.’ Have a drink that is different, have a drink that checks all boxes, have yourself a Blackberry Bourbon Smash. You’re sure to turn heads, and to your enjoyment, might even confuse a bartender or two. It’s the perfect drink for a hedgehog like you. Spikey on the outside, soft and squishy on the inside.
Sagittarius – Mojito
White rum, fresh lime juice, simple syrup, club soda, mint leaves
You need others to think you have strong opinions, but as soon as you see they disagree you make swift verbal maneuvers to make it look like your point was actually in agreement with them. You have such surgical precision that most don’t even notice how much you flip-flop between takes. Originality is not your forte; and you know what, that’s okay. Own it! Confidence comes from self-acceptance, not whatever tips those self-help books you love tell you. Be honest, be yourself, be basic. For a basic bitch like you there is only one basic drink for you this summer; the mojito. Its freshness will overpower your staleness on the upcoming hot days. Cheers!
Capricorn – Frozen strawberry daiquiri
White rum, frozen strawberries, fresh lime juice, simple syrup
Adultified children make childish adults. They used to say you had so much potential, but you have professionalized disappointment so much so that they settle for the minimum now. You love to remind people that laziness is indicative of intelligence, or any other bullshit you can cower behind to avoid personal accountability and development. For someone who was once taken too seriously and now just wants to have fun, a frozen strawberry daiquiri is the way to go. It’ll cool you on hot days, its sweetness will tickle that part of your brain that demands a treat after doing the most basic of tasks, and its boozyness will help you forget all that resentment you have with your mother — if only for an afternoon.
Aquarius – Blue Hawaiian
Light rum, blue curaçao, cream of coconut, pineapple juice
Personality. That’s the word you want people to correlate with you. But really what they see is blue. It’s not because you dyed your hair blue, or because you feel blue, or even because you constantly talk about how your life blew up. It’s because of the song “Blue.” It’s the dichotomy between an upbeat tune and depressing lyrics. No matter what you want them to see, you’ll always be blue. And so, might as well lean in and make it your entire personality. The Blue Hawaiian can help with that. Just be sure not to skimp on the cream of coconut, else it’ll turn green. As the song says “I’m blue, if I was green da bu die.” Okay, so maybe I haven’t actually looked up the lyrics, but you get the gist.
Pisces – Bahama Mama
Rum, coconut-flavoured rum, pineapple juice, orange juice
You are as in touch with reality as my childhood imaginary friend Gerald. He also would look at the leaves blowing by and see a sign from some ineffable magical voice of the universe. As a writer I get it, I also find life to be filled with wondrous stories I can tweak and exaggerate to edit into a masterpiece. After all, what’s the point of anything if you can’t romanticize it into a convenient narrative. The problem ensues when others don’t believe in that narrative. But it’s really more of an iss-you than an iss-them. So, drown out your issues this summer with the Bahama Mama. It’s the perfect drink for those who excel at fantastical delusions and want to slip into an illusion of fun times. Try ordering it five times fast, let me know how it works out.
