I have been known to declare my love for someone mere hours after our first kiss. It’s a toxic trait of mine to confuse those initial “butterflies” with love, when in fact it’s just a rush of serotonin and dopamine that our brains release when we are initially getting to know someone. It’s something that I am learning to grow out of as I try to take my time in relationships, knowing from experience that relationships that usually start out with intense heat and passion quickly erupt into flames shortly after.
Recently, I had a boy declare his love for me after knowing him for a mere three days. I was initially shocked when this boy told me he loved me, and obviously spouted out the only response that I could think of at the moment, which was “I love you too.” This boy sent me cute “good morning” texts, asked to see me everyday, constantly gushed words of affirmation over me, only to break up with me just ten days later over text because I wouldn’t give him blow jobs on-demand.
Love bombing is a very common tactic used by narcisscists in a relationship to gain control over their partner in order to manipulate them. In Portuguese and Spanish there is a word for when you are trying to win someone over: “conquistar.” Directly translated, it means “to conquer.” Showering your would-be partner with kind words, gifts, affection, and more can help someone conquer their love interest. Once their partner has been won over and has declared their love in return, they begin to see subtle shifts in the person who once showered them with affection and start noticing their more abusive and manipulative tendencies.
The main way to tell whether or not someone is love bombing you or actually loves you, I think, is simply the amount of time you have known each other for. To quote the book I’m reading for my anthropology class, Arrow of the Blue-Skinned God by Jonah Blank, “real love, the kind that lasts, does not burst out uncontrollably, like weeds in a garden. It develops quietly, over many years.”
Yes, this boy exemplified everything I wanted in a relationship: the cute texts, constantly saying how beautiful I am, always making time for me in an effort to make me feel loved and adored. But these all came drastically sooner than the healthy amount of time it takes to develop these patterns. The boy told me we were “twin flames” mere days after knowing me and made me delete the app we met each other on together.
I became completely enraptured by him. I spent every day with him for two weeks straight, ignoring my own needs in order to serve him by doing things like cleaning his insanely dirty kitchen or buying him bedsheets because the boy was sleeping on — I kid you not — a naked mattress. This is where this behavior can turn into emotional abuse and psychological manipulation. The excessive amount of love you are receiving makes you believe that you need to reciprocate this love in return by doing favors for the partner who you believe is so insanely in love with you, often at the expense of your own wellbeing.
The relationship ended as quickly as it started, and that is usually how it goes with love bombers. Once they’ve gained control over you, the abuse and gaslighting will heighten. If you are still refusing to fulfill certain “needs” of theirs even after they have tricked you into loving them, they will try to take control back by ending things as swiftly and cruelly as they can. In my case, it was over a long, unintelligible text message that said things like “it’s not my fault I want a satisfying blow job … I need a girl that’s a freak.”
While it was devastating to come to the realization that this boy was not in fact my “twin flame,” but rather a narcissistic manipulator (something I should’ve already realized given that he called himself a “shaman” and a “sage”), it was clear that I dodged a bullet. If you personally identify with any portion of this article and think that perhaps your new partner’s deep infatuation with you could be more insidious than just those blissful honeymoon-feels, I have just one word of advice for you: run.
Andrea Sadowski is working towards her BA in Global Development Studies, with a minor in anthropology and Mennonite studies. When she's not sitting in front of her computer, Andrea enjoys climbing mountains, sleeping outside, cooking delicious plant-based food, talking to animals, and dismantling the patriarchy.
