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Chatspeak with Jesus

This article was published on March 13, 2019 and may be out of date. To maintain our historical record, The Cascade does not update or remove outdated articles.

Jesus spoke to me the other day. I was driving down McMillan Road, and as I passed by Grace Church, he reached out to me. Or rather, he flashed a message at me from the digital message board in the parking lot. It said: “Brb Jesus.”

Now, I’m still not entirely sure what he meant by this. Is he taking a trip to Hawaii without me, or is he just going to his kitchen to make himself a sandwich? In either situation I’m a little miffed that he didn’t invite me along for the ride. Right now, there’s nothing I’d like more than to be eating a sandwich in Hawaii. Really, the least he could do is bring me back a lei or a bag of chips.

Jesus did not, in fact, “brb.” It’s actually been six days since our brief encounter, and I’m getting a little worried about him. At what point do I send the search party out? How do I search for someone with no definite physical form? These are the questions, and I certainly don’t have the answers.

Image: Robert Sweeney/The Cascade

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