Aries – Mar. 21 to Apr. 19
Energy vampires are all around you, eat them and spit their bones out before you to pave your path to greatness. In the words of Colin Robinson, from the epic Canadian (support CanCon!) mockumentary series What We Do In The Shadows (2019-2024): “I wish you nothing but continued success feeding on the addle-brained cattle that waste their lives around us.”
Taurus – Apr. 20 to May 20
Perhaps the most insufferable philosopher in human history could help you today. Nietzsche, the father of obscuring the boundary between right and wrong in his infamous work, Beyond Good and Evil (1886) may have been onto something. You’ll probably have to take a page from his book to make a paper airplane. Toss it and see where it lands, then dig for treasure there (maybe bury that dumb book while you’re at it).
Gemini – May 21 to Jun. 21
Old man yells at cloud! It’s not a good look.
Cancer – Jun. 22 to Jul. 22
In 1983, the CIA released a memo on a project called the “Gateway Experience.” Basically, they funded some guy to experiment with quantum reality and astral projection. Apparently it’s possible if you just listen to some weird tonal sounds or something like that. Also you gotta meditate. Clearly you already know this since it seems that all you do lately is astral project into your own dreams and bring back all sorts of oogie boogies who are destroying your (present) reality. Leave ‘em! In the words of Niels Bohr: “No, no, you’re not thinking; you’re just being logical.”
Leo – Jul. 23 to Aug. 22
What does God know anyway? It’s time to shirk the shackles that confine you and build your own golden calf! Maybe 70 upon 70 golden calves! Build a herd! Surely, nothing could be wrong with that!
Virgo – Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
“I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour / I was looking for a job and then I found a job / And heaven knows I’m miserable now!” The Smiths knew what was up, amiright? The best progress is no progress, amiright? Just let the AI do it.
Libra – Sept. 23 to Oct. 23
We get it. You’re a badass bitch and this world isn’t fabulous enough for you, but maybe it’s time to take stock and refocus your priorities before you destroy the world.
Scorpio – Oct. 24 to Nov. 21
Warning! You have impending yuck coming your way! Time to recharge and avoid pizza with anchovies.
Sagittarius – Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Ok, mom. Time to take yourself into account and look at your priorities. We get that you’re “holding everyone else together” and that’s super cool of you, but wake the fuck up and take care of your own shit.
Capricorn – Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Sounds like someone’s failing to plan ahead and chooses to smoke weed over caring for the actual important people in your life. Guess what? It’s caught up to you. Time to re-evaluate before everyone who loves you leaves.
Aquarius – Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Get your head out of your ass and stop counting all your gold shillings. We get it. It’s calming, but they’re worthless now anyway.
Pisces – Feb. 19 to Mar. 20
Sean Hatosy isn’t going to show up outside your bedroom window in the middle of the night with a boombox over his head proclaiming his long suppressed love for you. I’m sorry. It’s time to move on and stop giving your all to an ultimately unreciprocated relationship. Let it rest in peace and let your heart beat for yourself.
