By Mack Chiato (Coffee Critic) – Email
Satire
Starbucks is a large corporation that has roots deep into our society. But how deep do these roots burrow before they begin to change society itself?
Recently, Starbucks made the decision to remove the words “Merry Christmas” from their cups. Some may see this as a simple re-design, but others claim they can see through the ruse. In an attempt to put an end to it, some honest member(s) of our society have worked to inform the general public of this misdeed through our society’s greatest network of information: Facebook.
In an interview with the anonymous individual(s) who leaked this information, they said, “Starbucks isn’t just ‘redesigning’ their cups. What’s going on is much worse; they hope to shut down Christmas for good!”
When asked why, they could only say, “[We] can’t say [we] know why; but [we] do know that the conspiracy runs deep, and that the government itself is involved. The changing of the cups was just the start; their plan is to move slowly, so that people won’t notice. But [we] know. [We] knew all along.”
When we reached out to Starbucks for comment, they at first were unwilling to discuss the issue. However, with the recent rise in popularity pertaining to the trending conspiracy, their chairman and CEO, Mr. Wilfred S. Bucks, had this to say in a recent press conference:
“Yes, it’s true that our final goal with this change is to outmode Christmas as a holiday. What we plan to do, however, is for the greater good of the country — even the world! Through recent studies, we found that the pumpkin spice latte had very positive and uplifting effects for the long-term as well as the short. To compensate for the loss of the Christmas holiday, our plan is to extend the fall season through January.”
When asked what would happen when the physical season becomes winter, Bucks replied: “This is very much a long-term plan, and we hope to make the transition as comfortable and easy as possible for everyone. Eventually, we plan to manipulate climate change to eliminate the winter season as a whole with minimal effect on the global environment. While the technology is incomplete, the research is slated for completion and deployment in early 2023.”
While Starbucks is sure to encounter many negative responses to this plan, only time will tell how this whole situation will play out. In the meantime, Starbucks has announced a new flavour of the eggnog latte that will present a nice “spicy” alternative. Hopefully this will be enough to appease those who are affected by the utter destruction of Christmas.
