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The Humourator: Apple changes the way my guitar gently weeps

The complete Beatles library is now on iTunes. This changes everything. Again. Again.

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by Paul Falardeau (Arts & Life Editor)
Email: cascade.arts@ufv.ca

The complete Beatles library is now on iTunes. This changes everything. Again. Again.

Why must Apple overhype every product they put out? Each time the iPhone is upgraded in some minor way do we really need to be beaten over the head with some advertising campaign that tells us that the fabric of the universe is being rearranged? Oh, and if we don’t rush out and buy one, those fabrics will surely tear asunder.

This “big” news about the Beatles is only the most recent in a string of universe-shattering press releases from the clean-white wonders at the Apple camp. All the big sources of music news, along with Apple themselves, were abuzz with hushed whispers about what the next big thing out of Apple’s factories would be.
There was speculation that it would be: Apple underwear that glow like iPods do in commercials? The iBreath, a breathalyser shaped like Steve Jobs’ dick that will revolutionize the way we blow when we’re drunk (again)? Or maybe it would be a streaming video service? Either way, the world waited with baited (soon to be Jobs-scented) breath, only to find out that the gi-normously spectacular announcement was simply a new artist added to the iTunes roster, even if it was a big one.

Now, I understand that in the past there has been something of a fab four fiasco. Apple and Apple records (the Beatles’ label) didn’t jive – if you need the backstory, look it up.

The big question is: are we really so in love with the material parade that we just latch on to these proclamations of universe shattering greatness. Sure drooling and buying the latest source of plastic-wrapped pseudo-glee is nice, but I’ve always been partial to my universe being kept in a straight forward, unchanged and working order.

Because as soon as we start ripping the universe new-ones, what’s next? Crazy space-octopi polygamists impregnating our brains with their ever-searching tentacles? That would suck. Thanks a lot Apple. Wizard of Woz my ass, more like wizard of… suckiness.

So I guess what I’m saying is that you shouldn’t just blindly buy into the whole corporate-media blitz. The Beatles would have never stood for that BS. They stood for doing your own thing, not being sell-outs. The Beatles would never jump on board a corporate juggernaut just because it was profitable.

Oh wait. I guess the real question then is why it is those damned hippy Beatles that sold out, not the money-loving Jimmy Page whose band, Led Zeppelin (you may have heard of them) is one of the last remaining big names that has yet to add their music to iTunes store.

Well, I guess it’s the wave of the future, and if I’ve learnt anything about the future from **Futurama**, besides the aforementioned space octopus thing and the fact that velour suits make a man, it’s that the future demands we just sit back and take it with a smile.

By the way, you can podcast this anytime and view it on iPod, iPhone, iPad, Macbook, Macbook Pro, Macbook Air, and iBreath. This changes everything. Again. Again. Again.

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