By Sasha Moedt (The Cascade) – Email
Print Edition: June 20, 2012
The tradition of taking the male’s surname in a marriage is a tradition that stems from centuries ago, when a woman was passed as property from the father to the husband. This isn’t emphasized in today’s unions, but at the same time any woman who understands the symbolism behind taking on her partner’s last name must now stop and think: what am I submitting to?
Marriage has changed drastically since the second wave of feminism as women and people from the LGBTQ community gained respect, recognition and rights. We could begin to argue about the necessity of the tradition of marriage itself, but that’s for another article.
Marriage is based off of such inequality, that it hardly applies in this day and age. It’s strange to think of people analyzing and struggling to work through the various elements of a tradition so old, but that’s what it’s come to. If you are going to base your relationship on respect and equality, you can not rely on the taken for granted traditions associated with marriage. This includes surnames.
I could see that to some, the surname symbolizes a lot: a history, family, heritage and the individual. To others, though, it’s not much to think about. “That which we call a rose / By any other name would smell as sweet,” as Shakespeare said.
For myself, my surname means a lot to me. It stands for my family, my childhood, my Dutch heritage. I feel as though taking on another last name would be taking on another identity and leaving behind my own.
It is important to question things that are done just because it’s just the way they were always done. If a partner balks at the idea of you not taking his last name, or at the idea of taking your last name, because it undermines his (or society’s) masculinity, what other aspects of equality in a relationship will he refuse?
Some might say, if you don’t want to be traditional, don’t get married. But marriage is something that brings financial, social, and emotional stability. Marriage shouldn’t have to be traditional, necessarily.
The idea of changing a name is lovely. When you marry someone, it does effect your identity; whether you like it or not, in most cases, you’re emotionally bound to this person. They become a part of who you are – but not to the point of defining your identity. A surname should symbolize this.
But there are complications. Really, if your goal is to thwart a patriarchal society, chances are your current last name is your father’s anyways. But by being creative and thoughtful in choosing you and your partner’s surname, you are paving your own way.
There are a few interesting options to consider. Some people hyphenate. However, this method gets tricky when their kids start getting married. Another option is to come up with a hybrid last name, combining parts of each name to create a unique mixture. Or a daughter could take the mother’s surname, a son could take his father’s. You could make up a whole new name together – perhaps one that represents a shared value or an important memory that bonds you together.
For myself, I truly value family and the names in my family. It would sting to make a hybrid out of my name, or change it completely. But at the same time, in these modern times, it’s not terribly difficult to keep track of the generations. Instead of tracing lineage through the male surname, just use the internet, map up a family tree. It’s okay. It’s 2012.
Personally, I’d find a couple that has taken the woman’s last name very, very cool. Some feminists might argue that this is just a reactionary backlash, and that there’s no true equality in that. Yet at the same time – so cool.
But, really, the divorce rate being as it is these days, if you can’t make up your mind with your partner, it’s best to just keep your last name. Chances are they won’t even be in the picture in the long run anyway.
