Have you ever looked back and pondered about how much you have grown and how many of your friendships have changed during the journey? Even though I have had multiple friend circles growing up, only a handful of them have worn well through different seasons of my life. I always wondered why some connections stand firm while others are ephemeral.
Since an early age, I have loved making friends. I still recall, in fourth grade, I wrote my entire class list on paper with the title ‘Prati’s Best Friends.’ Younger me would be flabbergasted if she knew she wouldn’t even remember those names growing up. I think that happens with everyone at some point or another. When you make new friends, you expect them to last and when they don’t, it’s a hard pill to swallow.
Something helpful that I learned is that there are multiple reasons a friendship can fall apart including miscommunication, misunderstandings, dishonesty, unmet expectations, and sometimes, without any reason at all. Personally, one of my major friendship fall-outs stemmed from unmet expectations, where both of us let go of a 12-year-old friendship and it was heart-wrenching.
In parallel, I’ve had an unwavering friendship for more than 17 years now. We’ve been through ups and downs in our friendship, going years without being in contact at all. So what makes this friendship different from the ones that have fallen off?
When you build new friendships, you build them on three pillars: Proximity, Timing, and Energy. If you want your friendship to flourish, you need to make sure your foundation pillars are sturdy. Proximity relates to being able to see that person often. Timing is the life stage you’re in and how much resonance you can build within your friendship. Energy is the personality aspect and how much you are on the same wavelength.
I feel these pillars co-exist and each has its own blessings and challenges. It would be heart-warming to have all my friends in my vicinity, all in the same life stage as me and with our vibes in sync. But to me it’s an unrealistic dream because change is the only constant in life. Some friends will move out, some will have different dreams in different cities, and sometimes, adulthood will hit like a rock and it’ll be hard to stay in touch. While some friendships will fade away, new ones will settle in.
Through multiple breakups and new connections, I realize knowing what kind of friendships I want in life is extremely important. I’ve picked up a few pointers over the years that have helped me navigate my friendships. The first is that I cannot expect someone to love me if I don’t know how I want to be loved. Secondly, I learned to not shrink my personality to fit in — there is no point in having a fake conversation or changing your answers out of fear of being perceived negatively. Real friends accept you and don’t judge you.
Putting in the effort is important. No friendship will magically persevere unless you show up at their lows, celebrate their highs, and maintain the three pillars. Send random updates, be invested in each other’s lives, and be present in your friendship.
If something bothers you, communicate it. Bring it up and clear it right away instead of letting it pile up until you get overwhelmed. There is nothing a raw and honest conversation cannot sort, it’ll either make your friendship stronger or give you more clarity.
One thing I am trying to incorporate in my life is recognizing if I am in the wrong and forgiving if it’s the other way around. It helps develop integrity, since it’s destructive to harbour resentment. No toxic blame game! Sometimes mistakes are made, but had you not made them, you would not be the grown person you are today.
Be grateful for the friendships that have persisted and those that haven’t. When you lose friends, you make room for more blessings and friendships to bloom. You do your best with the ones you have, and you let go if it’s time. Take this as a reminder to sort that fight out, call your friends, and tell them you love them.
