Aries – Mar. 21 to Apr. 19
We all know you win in the end. Your in-chargeness is getting way too… in chargey. So, cool your jets. This whole act first, ask permission later thing is getting old. Stop biting the bread before it’s cut or the bread will bite you back. Ouch! It’s not even the soft kind, it’s that gross, hard, dry rye. Not a look for you, Mr. Aries.
Taurus – Apr. 20 to May 20
You know what’s annoying? Someone who thinks they can solve world hunger yet passes by the hungry everyday. Stop looking far and start narrowing in on the near. Your self-righteous, pseudo-saviour act is getting tired and no one is even following that Instagram account you started because you’re so goddamn preachy. Try saying something instead of just talking.
Gemini – May 21 to Jun. 21
I have a bias against Geminis because as a Leo, you tend to outshine me with your coolness. So even though the cards say you’re just radiating power right now and that you should hold on to it, I’m salty about those few Geminis who’ve wronged me in life. So your horoscope is text me back, dammit! I thought we were friends! (Anyone have a glass of water? My mouth is kinda dry.)
Cancer – Jun. 22 to Jul. 22
Yes! Curses! Evil intentions! Muahaha! Everyone loves a little summertime revenge! Indulge! Cast those spells to capitulate your foes! Do iiitttt! You know the rules of magic right? Nothing you put out in the world will ever come back three times over! Make! Bad! Choices!
Leo – Jul. 23 to Aug. 22
Oh me? Well, you’re perfect. Don’t ever change. We have got to hang this summer! DM me! HAGS xoxoxox.
Virgo – Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Quit your job.
Libra – Sept. 23 to Oct. 23
You think you have no power, but just see? Look around you. According to quantum theory, we create our own reality. It’s literally that which exists within you. So when you think and feel negative energy but pretend it’s not there, it turns into some complicated quantum soup that no one wants to eat. Your need for everything to be fine is starting to turn into a dark obsession. Peace will come when you find it within, babe. Try on a little self-care for size, the toxic positivity is sickeningly tangible.
Scorpio – Oct. 24 to Nov. 21
The summer mania is hitting girl! Yesssss! Everything is a great idea right now and every impulse should be acted on right away! Literally nothing bad will happen and everything that glitters is in fact gold! Good for you!
Sagittarius – Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You need a girls night and you need it bad. Intellectualizing everything isn’t as great an idea as you think it is because although you’re smart, you’re not that smart. There are giant gaping holes in your logic right now that look like black pits of death. I honestly don’t think they are though, I think you’re just spending too much time alone…
Capricorn – Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
So, you’re a werewolf? Honestly, it happens to the best of us. Take Oz’s advice from Buffy The Vampire Slayer and lock yourself alone in a room for one night every month. These types of changes are totally normal for a wolf, but they’re best dealt with in a dusty old crypt behind a set of rusty bars. We’ll see you on the other side. Kisses! Drinks when you’re over it, queen??
Aquarius – Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Stop playing mother in an attempt to get other people to like you, it’s pretty cringe and weird. Plus these people you’re mothering are like, totally avoidant and don’t care about you as much as you do about them. Get the heckin heckskies outta there and mother yourself first!
Pisces – Feb. 19 to Mar. 20
Look I know you’ve been grinding your way to the end of that degree but maybe… just maybe, you’re totally miserable about it? Just a thought… cuz like, the cards told me so… but, just saying. Maybe you should book an appointment with a career counsellor, or maybe… an actual counsellor?
