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Beards for all



I think beards only on people who can grow beards sells our society short. It’s beardist(?). Everyone should be able to sport the old chin and cheek curtain regardless of the genes they’re born with.

Can’t grow a beard? Buy a strap-on. The beard-wig market is burgeoning, now is the time to buy in. There’s all kinds of muzzle lashings to choose from, though they’re usually secondhand: Vintage beards, sporty beards, muscle-man beards, non-man beards, “Jake, who lives in a tent” beard, the shag.

The benefits are many. Forgot to bring a scarf? You’ve got your beard. Like the soup but can’t finish the bowl? Flavour-saver.

So you think beards are practical but unsightly? Customize beards with beads and sequins! “Bedazzled beards.” Try fun colours.

It’s unfair that only those who were born with the right genes can grow face fuzz. Let’s democratize beards.

After all, all the best people have beards: Jesus, Mr. T, Walt Whitman, Jagmeet Singh.

Note: Don Trump, Justin Trudeau, and Christy Clark do not fancy beards.

And Rasputin doesn’t count.

Image: Amara Gelaude/The Cascade

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