Aries – Mar. 21 to Apr. 19
The sycophants have come for you, dear aries. Watch your back — that person that always compliments you might just ask you for more than you’re prepared to give soon. My advice? Set them on fire (metaphorically, of course).
Taurus – Apr. 20 to May 20
Taurus, you don’t have daddy issues, you are the daddy. Lucky for you, being a daddy is one of the easiest jobs in the world. There is only one simple thing you need to remember: go out to get cigarettes and never come back. Problems? Solved.
Gemini – May 21 to Jun. 21
Did you know you’re a descendant of Clytemnestra? Just an FYI, cuz, you know, she murdered her husband and all that. But it was, like, totally justified I’m pretty sure. Anyway, good luck this sem!
Cancer – Jun. 22 to Jul. 22
Remember that scene in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) where Jim Carey is crawling through endless bedsheets, desperately trying to cling to one precious memory of his ex-girlfriend before the drunk memory erasers come to wash it away for forever? That’s you right now. Don’t be Eternal Sunshine Jim Carey, be The Mask (1994) Jim Carey. He may have been green, but at least he actually had a backbone.
Leo – Jul. 23 to Aug. 22
You know how you’re on a desperate quest to earn enough money to move out of this godforsaken town so you’re taking on, like, two and a half jobs on top of your courses and are low key freaking out about it but you’re like god, please let me save enough to escape? Yeah, well, the cards are saying you’re destined to be a broke bitch. Better find a different way out. Have you tried astral projection?
Virgo – Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
I’m currently eating really spicy chicken and it’s kind of burning my face off, but I sort of like it. It reminds me to breathe. That’s kind of like how you are.
Libra – Sept. 23 to Oct. 23
Libra, you’re being an insufferable control freak again and it’s really annoying. I’m not going to advise you to take a step back and maybe stop trying to lead everyone because I’m sort of looking forward to watching you fail. That’s how annoying you are.
Scorpio – Oct. 24 to Nov. 21
Uh oh, looks like you’ve got a Colin Robinson on your hands. Hey, by the way, have you seen the new Mr. Beast video?
Sagittarius – Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Keep doing Reddit deep dives on conspiracy theories like you’ve been doing all summer. Those pesky graduation goals will surely work on themselves. Maybe you’ll even unlock a great secret that will get all your work done for you.
Capricorn – Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Oh Cap, I can’t even be snarky with this one. Just try to be nice to yourself, okay? Evict that hyper-critical parent of yours from your head. Try replacing it with a fun, non-scary clown.
Aquarius – Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
“Golden living dreams of visions / Mystic crystal revelation / And the mind’s true liberation / Aquarius! Aquarius!”
Pisces – Feb. 19 to Mar. 20
You’re in the den of hyenas now, cricket. Sing your songs babe, everyone will listen. I promise.
