Aries – Mar. 21 to Apr. 19
Be Icarus, fly toward the sun. Burn up. Embrace it. Laugh.
Taurus – Apr. 20 to May 20
You’re all icky in the thickey of it, Taurus. Shed the dead friendships sucking the life out of you. Choose hermit-core — worked out well for Gollum, didn’t it? He became a big movie star. Find your precious and pull out all your hair to get that wispy fall look. Live!
Gemini – May 21 to Jun. 21
So, you met a sexy wizard at the ren faire and they’re like, super cool and full of all sorts of black magic powers. You’re obsessed for a reason. Turns out they’re also really smart. Take their advice. They’re not a cult leader, I promise.
Cancer – Jun. 22 to Jul. 22
Cancer, you’re giving evil. And it’s like, sort of neat in a broody, Alestair Crowley kind of way. But Crowley was also fucking insane and manipulative and probably not someone you want to be. Honestly, you used to be more of a Mother Shipton type. Prophetess extraordinaire and all that. Maybe reevaluate your course load, I don’t know, you’re the witch here you tell me.
Leo – Jul. 23 to Aug. 22
There’s this fable about a sick lion who lays in bed, summoning all the forest animals to come bid him farewell before he breathes his dying breath. The animals do it, cuz like, he’s the leader of the pack, right? Thing is, the animals never come back. I can’t remember how it ends, some fox or something I think outwitted him and ratted. Typical fox behaviour. Anyways, I think it’s a tale of not being a little whiney bitch or something.
Virgo – Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
So you found a portal to hell, huh? And you’re having a grand old time, unlocking all the secrets of the underworld and bringing them back to plot your success (and also maybe a little revenge while you’re at it because why the heck not, right?) But recently you’ve been getting a lot of stomach aches because of the donuts you’re forced to eat while there in exchange for the knowledge (nothing comes free, obviously.) If you’re into stomach aches, keep it up. If not, maybe seal the portal.
Libra – Sept. 23 to Oct. 23
A stick up your ass isn’t an accessory. No, it doesn’t give you a mysterious “edge.” Fortunately, someone around you has a super shiny bag of magic rocks for you. Actually, they might have tried to give it to you before but you were like “the fuck do I want with a sack of rocks?” Anyways, if you take the rocks and plant them, a beanstalk will grow. Then you can climb it and destroy the tyrant giant who’s causing the cost of living crisis we’re in. But pull the stick out of your ass cuz while the stalk is a baby sprout it’ll need to be propped up or it’ll flop right over and grow all crooked.
Scorpio – Oct. 24 to Nov. 21
So you wanna build a time machine but you misplaced the instructions. It happens. The thing is, you didn’t actually misplace them, they’re exactly where you know they are, liar. You’re just lazy as hell. Truth hurts, doesn’t it?
Sagittarius – Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Daddy Giles always saves the day (real ones know): “The knowledge gained from a computer, it has no texture, no context. It’s there and then it’s gone. If it’s to last, then the getting of knowledge should be tangible, it should be… smelly.”
Capricorn – Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You fill a jar full of tears and put it on an altar in your bedroom, staring into it day and night. Now you’re drowning, and there’s no one to save you. Drink the tears, be an Alice. Grow so much your tears wash the earth like a tsunami and drown everyone else instead.
Aquarius – Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You’re clinging to threads of gold again, Aquarius. Holding them up and being like — “look at what I found, isn’t it just the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen! Let’s stop going to work and taking care of ourselves to stare at it!” But threads are flimsy. They aren’t going to pay the bills. Besides, have you seen the price of gold recently? Dropping like a dead fly.
Pisces – Feb. 19 to Mar. 20
Has anyone ever told you you’re kind of like a snake? Those things can make a perfect circle with their body (allegedly). Lucky you.
