By Dessa Bayrock (The Cascade) – Email
Print Edition: October 3, 2012
Let’s think of Canada and Britain as individuals rather than countries for a second.
Last week, Canada’s Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird announced that Canada and Britain will start sharing embassies.
“What does that even mean?” I said to myself, pulling a Clint Eastwood and pretending the empty chair next to me was John Baird. “Why would you think that’s a good idea?”
Well, John Baird a.k.a. empty chair, let me explain to you why I think it’s a bad idea. Then you’ll have a chance to respond. Just kidding. You can’t respond. You’re an empty chair.
Like I said, let’s think of Canada and Britain as regular people rather than giant countries.
British Foreign Minister William Hague described the two as “first cousins.” Well, William, I have an empty chair for you, too. They are nothing like first cousins. Did you forget the part where colonialism happened? Britain started Canada. We had to claim independence from Britain before we were considered anything more than a cute little hanger-on. The term “first cousins” implies that Canada and Britain would be considered roughly equal, and that’s just plain untrue. It’s more like Canada became an unruly teenager and joined a band and moved out of Britain’s house.
Deciding to share a house together again seems like a really bad idea.
Hague and Baird both insist that it’s for purely administrative purposes. That makes it an even worse idea – Canada and Britain are combining embassies not because they want to and because they love each other, but because it’s the easy and cheap thing to do. Since when are those reasons considered good? Hint: Never.
“But Canada and Australia have shared embassies for a long time,” Empty-Chair-Baird whines.
Sure they have, I retort to No-One-Will-Sit-In-You-Baird, Australia and Canada were unruly teenagers at the same time, did crazy drugs together, and were in the same shitty band.
I would say that if anyone is first cousins, it’s Australia and Canada. Britain’s more like the disapproving great-aunt who hates rock and roll, has never smoked a cigarette and complains that her children should have become doctors.
Is that what this is about, Britain? You want to be more like Australia? Oh, come on!
If Australia and Canada want to bunk together, that’s fine by me. They’ve been hanging out for years and get along swimmingly. Britain has no place in that equation.
Whose idea was this in the first place? Either way it seems awkward to the power of nine.
Let’s run through a couple of scenarios for these two nations.
One – Britain wants to share with Canada.
Britain: Oh hey, Canada. Nice little embassy you have. Very smooth operations.
Canada: Oh, you know. I try to keep it clean and running.
Britain: I sure wish I had an embassy like this. But I don’t. It’s really quite sad. I don’t have an embassy in this country at all.
Canada: Maybe you should build one or something?
Britain: I know! I’ll share with you!
Canada: Um.
Britain: Roomies!
Canada: Um.
Two – Canada wants to share with Britain.
Canada: Um, Britain?
Britain: Yes, Canada? What is it? Spit it out. I don’t have much time.
Canada: Well, Britain, I was kind of wondering if …
Britain: Speak up, Canada, I can barely hear you.
Canada: I WAS WONDERING IF YOU MAYBE WANT TO SHARE EMBASSIES SINCE I DON’T HAVE ONE IN THIS COUNTRY AND I’M TOO BROKE TO BUILD ONE.
[Pause. Britain steeples hands and looks ominous.]Britain: Well, well, well… look who’s come crawling back.
I have acted these scenes out for my empty chairs. Neither of them can look me in the eye.
“Well?” I demand. “Whose idea was this?”
That’s what I thought. It’s so awkward that nobody wants to own up to it. Cooperative? Cooperative my ass. You’re both grown countries now. Get your own damn embassies or I guarantee this will end in heartache for all three of us.
