Dear Justin Theroux,
What we had together was great. Those two seasons of The Leftovers will always be the best times of my life, and I doubt anyone else will come along with strong enough writing or performances to take them away from me. The more I learned about you, the greater those memories became.
IMDB credited you as the dreadlocked DJ from the first Zoolander who brainwashes Derek into killing the prime minister of Malaysia. You used a fighting style rooted in breakdancing techniques to take on Hansel during the big climax of the film. It was dope. That movie was already one of my favourite comedies of all time, and knowing that you had it in you to do great dramatic and comedic work enriched both experiences.
And then they announced a sequel to Zoolander. And you had a major writing credit! I can’t tell you the mix of feelings I had, the butterflies in my stomach. Sequels to comedic films have a notorious history of being formulaic and terrible; I still had the bitter echoes of Anchorman 2 in the back of my mind. Yet, it’s you. Kevin Garvey. You are the chosen one, the next big star, whose show is going to sweep the Emmys. On top of that, you’re surrounded by greatness, Ben Stiller is funny! Moshe Kasher was involved! Even Kyle Mooney had a substantial role.
So, I bought the ticket, took my girlfriend, and we made a date of it. I sat down thinking I’d be surrounded by the people I love, her and you. But I left the theatre that night with part of my heart missing.
I’m sorry Justin, but I can’t give you the satisfaction of saying “it’s not you, it’s me.” It was you, and everyone else associated with Zoolander 2. The actors, writers, producers, and company who let this happen. The government of Italy for letting you film. It’s so bad, it almost seems intentional. As if the Hollywood Illuminati purposely decided at a late evening wine mixer that it would be hilarious to stamp all over the legacy of a cult classic.
People can make all the fuss they want about dumb storylines and plots in comedic films, but at least Zoolander the First had internal consistency and was well written. The few bearable moments in the sequel come from Kyle Mooney, but even then he’s just doing a rehash of the same awkward character he’s had on YouTube for years.
There are no scenes with the principle leads that come anywhere close to being humorous. The closest I came to laughing was when I blew air out of my nose really quickly, not so much in response to a punchline or gag, but rather so I could somehow justify to myself that I spent money to see this movie — so that at least I had some type of reaction.
Even your appearance wasn’t enough to brighten my mood. In fact, as soon as I realized that was your only scene, I began weighing the cost of staying in the theatre against the cold pasta in my fridge and a few emails that I wanted to type on my computer at home rather than my phone because sometimes my thumbs hurt.
I’m sorry Justin, the magic is gone. I just don’t feel the same way I did about you or the Zoolander series as I did a week ago. I think we are just in different parts of our lives. Let’s see how season 3 of The Leftovers turns out, and if you promise never to make a Zoolander 2 again we can pick up where we left off.
Sincerely,
Panku Sharma
