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Beloved Cascade reporter let go after CSIS arrest

Repp Porter, long-time news reporter for The Cascade, was let go Tuesday evening after CSIS officers arrested him in his Abbotsford home. Porter’s elderly neighbour Eve Draup witnessed the arrest, reporting that the officers claimed they were arresting him for “incitement of terrorism, maybe.”

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By Repp Lacemont (The Cascade) – Email

Print Edition: July 1, 2015

Photo Credit Shabbir Siraj : Flickr

An ordinary house, an ordinary neighbourhood, and an unstoppable vendetta: this is their story.

Repp Porter, long-time news reporter for The Cascade, was let go Tuesday evening after CSIS officers arrested him in his Abbotsford home.

Porter’s elderly neighbour Eve Draup witnessed the arrest, reporting that the officers claimed they were arresting him for “incitement of terrorism, maybe.”

“They were knocking at that nice boy’s door very loudly,” said Draup. “It was four in the afternoon! I was trying to sleep.”

CSIS began investigating Porter after local personality Scott Protter published an article in The Cascade last May, arguing that the reporter lacks journalistic integrity. This possible lack of integrity was a red flag for CSIS, because it meant that Porter could justifiably not be a reporter at all, but a terrorist.

After a month of investigation, it became clear that Porter was “90 per cent terrorist-capable,” according to CSIS spokesman Hugh Tilly-Tarianism. “It was discovered that he follows the Canadian Journalists for Free Expression (CJFE) on Twitter, and they’re very anti-government, very anti-Canada.”

Critics of the arrest cite the fact that Bill C-51, which gives CSIS the power to “disrupt,” not arrest, those who exhibit anti-Canadian thought, and that this points to just how bad the lack of oversight is and will be.

Tilly-Tarianism disagrees. “Porter is a bad man, maybe,” he says. “We’re just trying to protect our great nation from any and all threats, except climate change.

“Besides, Canada wanted to see Bill C-51 in action, and we delivered. Nobody’s really protested it. Get over it.”

Cascade Editor-in-Chief Kodie Cherrille made a statement on the decision to let Porter go at a press conference held by and for himself, alone in his office.

“Repp was like a brother to me,” he said to himself. “But CSIS is like a bigger brother, so to speak. When your big brother tells you to ruin your little brother’s life, you just do it.

“It’s also really inconvenient to have an employee holed up somewhere in Ottawa under allegations of terrorism. Like, how’s he supposed to ignore my emails if he can’t even see them?”

Scott Protter also commented on the decision, shouting outside Cherrille’s closed office during the press conference that “the opportunity to hire an unbiased reporter — like me, perhaps? — has arrived! Be reasonable!”

There are rumours circulating that Repp Porter escaped CSIS custody and is now living in disguise as The Cascade’s new news reporter, Repp Lacemont. However, these rumours are unsubstantiated and shut up.

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2 Comments

2 Comments

  1. Al Barber

    July 17, 2015 at 8:54 am

    What happened to Repp Porter?! Where is he now??

  2. Robbie121

    October 23, 2015 at 3:00 am

    Aliens from a galaxy far, far away came and took him away.

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