Coldplay can’t compete
Whether it is for the commercials, the array of dips that can be eaten at your friend’s house, or the game itself, most people seem to enjoy the Super Bowl.
For some, it’s the annual Halftime Show. The Halftime Show has grown to be one of the biggest musical spectacles of the year, but this year’s performance by Coldplay was average at best. The point that cemented their mediocre show was when the band cut away and Bruno Mars began to sing “Uptown Funk,” quickly followed by Beyoncé with her new single “Formation.” It felt like the whole stadium had a newfound energy. Mars and Beyoncé eventually met each other on stage to continue Mars’ tune when suddenly the members of Coldplay appeared from behind them like the awkward neighbourhood kid who you don’t really know but always wants to hang out with you. Needless to say, this was not the setting for Coldplay. But maybe they can get a spot in the “Puppy Bowl” Halftime Show next year. I feel that would be more their speed.
All the food is poison
The dietary recommendations the internet offers us are terrible and confusing. You shouldn’t eat dairy because it causes acne and messes with your stomach and will kill you. On the other hand, cutting dairy from your diet will cause your bones to crack, mess with your stomach, and kill you. You will die and it’s all dairy’s fault.
We need more balanced recommendations. Articles will too often argue for one drastic change to your diet and fail to mention the potential negatives. It’s impossible for the common person to do proper research if writers don’t take the responsibility of balanced reporting seriously. We will die and it’s all the writers’ fault.
Until health websites and internet dieticians learn to add a little nuance to their reporting, I suggest we just eat whatever makes us feel good. I will put a whole chicken down my throat if I feel like it. I will eat three tubs of ice cream, and throw it all up with a smile. To hell with your subjectivity, dieticians; I will operate on my own. I will die full and jolly and it will be all my fault.
Give us a garage
I’m not going to complain about the impossibility of trying to find a parking spot at UFV because you already know about it, either from hearing your classmates complain or from you yourself being trapped in the endless gridlocked maze that is the parking lot at 10 a.m. on a weekday. But I am reluctantly going to suggest a solution: a multi-level parking garage.
I say “reluctantly” because it wouldn’t exactly beautify the campus — but something needs to be done about the parking situation. UFV is a commuter campus which most students travel to by car, and it’s bursting at the seams as enrollment perpetually increases. The current parking lots aren’t filling the need, especially not when the arena next door clogs them up with hundreds of extra cars whenever a country star comes to town.
We can’t build much farther out, so maybe it’s time to start building up. A prime location would be the gravel parking lot behind C building. (You know, the one with the huge potholes — another chronic UFV problem that would finally be solved by a parking garage.)
“Student-led” leads to student dread
I realized 10 minutes into marking up my “sample paragraph,” where I was supposed to find spelling, grammar, and punctuation mistakes, that third-year English students don’t know how to write properly. At all. We spent a total of 50 minutes on that exercise. (“Five zero!” I’ve had to clarify for my shocked friends who have listened to my complaints.)
Not only do third-year students not understand the rules surrounding the use of a semicolon, but they are also incapable of composing a piece of writing that is clear, concise, or in some cases even readable. In my five classes this semester, I have come across maybe two pieces of coherent student writing. There goes $3,000 of tuition wasted on “peer-led learning” and “student-guided workshops.” No wonder people say an English degree means nothing — to most students at UFV, it’s just that.