Leading in beauty
Carissa Wiens
On voting day for Canada’s federal election in the fall of 2015, someone told me to vote Liberal because “Justin’s hot.” I was taken by surprise because, up until that point, it had never occurred to me that firstly, Trudeau was quite pretty, and secondly, that a political leader could be attractive; I thought those spaces were only reserved for The Bachelor contestants and James Bond movies. After watching Bush and Harper be state leaders for many of my early formative years, the idea of a beautiful person in charge seemed very foreign. But as I’m constantly at home, watching the news more, and scrolling through Obama’s Instagram nonstop, I’ve now come to terms that yes, a political leader who is much older than myself can certainly be very attractive.
As it turns out, Justin and Barack are not the only ones. I’m not going to state the obvious person we’re all thinking about — Prince Harry — because there’s plenty more fish in the political sea. Checked out New Zealand’s Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern? No? Well you should. Jigme Khesar Namgyel Wangchuck, who is the king of Bhutan, is also very delightful to look at. And Queen Rania Al Abdullah of Jordan is certainly on Kate Middleton’s level — or rather, Kate is on Queen Rania’s level.
If you’re a beautiful person reading this, know that your life doesn’t have to stop at Instagram influencing or auditioning for commercials waiting for your big break; work hard (and/or just marry the right person) and you too can be a gorgeous world leader.
Who are they, Ma?
Mikaela Collins
If I could watch one YouTube video for the rest of my life, it would be the Emmet Otter’s Jug-band Christmas bloopers. I have never seen Emmet Otter’s Jug-band Christmas; I honestly don’t know what it’s about, though I assume a jug-band is involved, and I can confirm that Emmet does appear to be an otter. The bloopers, however, I have watched about a hundred times; in them, the titular Emmet and his mother — both fuzzy little puppets, the latter voiced by Frank Oz of Muppets fame (though he was overdubbed by another voice actor in the film) — stand on the stoop of a music store while a bunch of “hooligans” cause a ruckus inside. The entire video consists of flubbed takes of the same shot, since the crew is trying to make a toy drum roll out the door, bounce off a milk jug, and come to a stop leaning just so against the step the otters are standing on.
It takes a few tries.
I think the outtakes are so funny because Jerry Nelson and Oz never break character, even when they’re making the puppets lay on the floor, saying “Help my Ma out? Spare change? All she needs is a bottle of Ripple” or “Do we get hazard pay for this? I thought I was going to get hit that time.” And over the course of the 25 or so takes they include in the bloopers, all separated by jump cuts, you really get the impression of exhausted, exasperated coworkers just trying to appease their boss at the end of the day — except the coworkers are tiny otter puppets, which makes it delightful.
Running light prerequisites
Maecyn Klassen
My dad full-on hates fellow drivers who don’t turn on their daytime running lights. He’s begun a personal crusade against them, dedicating himself to not only pointing them out and calling them names whenever we’re driving anywhere together but also to flashing his high beams on and off in an attempt to alert the offending driver to their poor choices. He does have a great point! Driving without those lights on is dangerous, even in the daytime; I can’t possibly think his worries are frivolous when I’ve seen so many people weave down the highway in poor weather conditions with their running lights off. Besides, most modern cars turn the running lights on automatically when the car is switched on, so it stands out even more when someone’s cruising around without them. During my long tenure as my dad’s passenger, I’ve learned how to spot and ridicule window flags, offensive bumper stickers, and sick, white Jeeps, but the daytime running lights have formed the very foundation of my driving habits. Every time I go anywhere, even when I’m not driving, I notice when people have their running lights off like some kind of trained-in sixth sense. Apparently this is my true purpose in life: to take up the mantle of running lights enforcer and carry on this quest for the rest of my driving career.
Biden is as stupid does
Darien Johnsen
Why does it seem so impossible for an American president to keep their bombs out of the Middle East? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but U.S. President Joe Biden (the one that “saved” us all from Trump…) has already ordered airstrikes in Syria. Biden just had to flex his Strong Man muscles so everyone would know that even though he may look frail, his dick is just as big as any other president. So, even though the United States just suffered under the most toxic of all masculine identities, the ride isn’t over yet.
The airstrikes were targeted toward facilities used by Iran-backed militias, and the attack was a retaliatory strike in an ongoing conflict between the U.S. and Iran nuclear deal: the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action (JCPOA). The worst part is that the plan hinges on cooperation between the U.S. and Iran. This deal would regulate the nuclear activity going on in Iran and was something that UN weapons inspectors were making good headway on — until Biden insisted on starting yet another pissing contest. This serves only to slow the progress on any sort of nuclear deal with the country, pushing Iran further into nuclear warfare territory. The sad reality is that conflict in Syria has killed thousands of innocent civilians already — a death toll that is difficult to keep track of given that the near-decade of war has caused chaos and displacement within the country. The war in Syria is one of the most devastating human rights disasters going on in our world today; the country shouldn’t be used as a theatre for the U.S.’s military pageants.
Biden did as U.S. presidents tend to do: fight, bomb, and invade. Trump may be out of office, but the United States government is still the United States government. Are we really surprised that Biden already screwed up? No, but we can definitely be disappointed.
(Elyssa English /The Cascade)
In between horror movie marathons and arthritis-inducing embroidery sessions, Maecyn likes to correct the grammar of unsuspecting journalists. She’s currently pursuing a BA in History and a career in library science, which makes her the official ambassador for cardigan-wearers everywhere.
Darien Johnsen is a UFV alumni who obtained her Bachelor of Arts degree with double extended minors in Global Development Studies and Sociology in 2020. She started writing for The Cascade in 2018, taking on the role of features editor shortly after.
She’s passionate about justice, sustainable development, and education.
