It’s no secret that college kids are passionate about their future. But what about the future of real adults, who actually contribute to this society that students want so badly to change? At every corner of UFV, there’s an activist of some kind waiting to spring idealistic reforms on unsuspecting 50-somethings like me. The latest thing the kids are talking about is “strategic voting,” whatever that is. Well, I’ve got a strategy for you: how about not voting at all?
I’m serious. If you students want to protect this country from chaos, don’t vote. Politics is for wizened adults, not edgy college kids. It doesn’t matter if you’re a political science major and you think you understand how the system works; you are simply too young to understand the significance of grown-up things like the necessity of war with the non- Christian side of the planet, the benefits of economic inequality, and the illegality of taxation. I bet even that sentence confused you, you poor young thing. That’s why you’re going to school in the first place, to learn. Wait until you’ve learned a thing or two about real life before selfishly meddling in things like elections, which will affect millions of lives beyond your own.
Besides, it’s too difficult for students to vote. They have to sign up beforehand and need to have all kinds of documentation ready. I couldn’t and won’t even begin to tell you what you need. It will probably be too stressful for you, which will in turn affect your studies. And without your studies, how will you get a career in the LNG sector? It’s for your own benefit that you abstain from voting this October.
It’s also for the benefit of this country. Before the last election in 2011, the Conservatives only had a minority government. I suspect it was because too many students voted. The Conservatives need to get in with a majority again, because that’s what Canadians want — just look at the polls! I understand if you don’t understand that last sentence, being so young and all, so let me put it another way. No other government has done so much for us in terms of economic growth, environmental stability, and national defense. For example, Prime Minister Harper has been so brave in the wake of the ISIS attacks, he was nobly able to put other less-pertinent projects on the back-burner, like science and arts funding, in order to give us Bill C-51 and alleviate the stress of looking for all those missing aboriginal women. It’s embarrassing that students keep trying to vote these guys out.
Look, I love students. I was once a student myself. But I did my country a favour and didn’t vote until my frontal lobe was fully formed and all my fanciful idealism disappeared and I started my own corporation. If you’re like me, an old-stock Canadian who loves this country, you will understand why people like you shouldn’t vote. And even if you still want to vote, it probably won’t change anything anyway, so don’t even try.