Print Edition: January 28, 2015
Hello, excuse me, and thank you for the opportunity to speak tonight in the opinion section of your paper, especially since I am not, nor have I ever been, a student of UFV. My name is Nina and I live undetected beneath the parking lot outside the Target building and the other fine but useless shops surrounding it. I have lived here since Target was Zellers, which was ages ago so I understand if some of the younger students at your school cannot remember such a time. Anyways, I am writing to say that I think the closing of Target is an outrage.
Every night after closing time, I crawl through the plumbing beneath the concrete to get into the Target building. This is where I collect all my meals and other necessities like T-shirts and craft supplies. I can do this with my conscience intact because nobody else is buying the junk I steal anyways. My entire home in the system beneath the parking lot is furnished with Zellers and Target products and I am rightfully proud of this fact.
A friend of mine once asked why I insist on doing this. Why not give up the subterranean life and try to do something meaningful? And if I’m not willing to give the underground up, why not compromise and take stuff from other shops? This rude person isn’t my friend anymore, but the answers are as follows: A) The subterranean is all I know, and B) I was conceived on the spot where the building in question stands, and so it holds certain sentimental value for me. I refuse to do anything non-sentimental.
When I was young, I would not wear underwear unless it had a picture of a cow on it because cows reminded me of my absent mother because that’s how my father always referred to her. No cow? No deal. I was a righteous child, and I like to think I have retained that righteousness. No Target? No Nina.
What I mean to say is that somebody needs to move another big retailer in after Target leaves ASAP or I will die. I don’t want to die. Please don’t let me die. I live a completely self-sufficient lifestyle and that alone should move you enough to have a little sympathy for me. If any of you kind students at UFV run a big-name retail business, please consider those beneath the lot and give us what we need: another huge store.