Print Edition: November 26, 2014
Christmas music is linked to the gradual rise of bowel deterioration in North America, according to a new study by the Deteriorating Entrails and Bowels Technical Society (DEBTS).
“This is the fastest growing medical issue in Canada today,” said Dr. Julio Sturm, director of the study and head researcher at DEBTS, during a public announcement on Wednesday. “You often hear people complaining about having to hear Christmas music wherever they go after Halloween, and now, finally, we know it’s got something to do with the fact that they’re rotten inside.”
According to Sturm, despite this great leap forward, DEBTS still does not know whether deteriorating bowels cause the aversion to Christmas music or if the complaining causes the deterioration.
“There seems to be a circular relationship between the music and your guts. If you can’t stand Christmas music, you’re probably dying; if you’re dying, you probably hate the empty imitations of joy and the cheap, affected — oh Christ! My bowels!” he said, before excreting everything in his body and dying immediately at the podium.
The study suggests that, while complaints about Christmas music have the most significant relationship with the deterioration of bowels, any complaining at all can affect and be affected by one’s innards. Sturm’s successor as head researcher at DEBTS, Dr. Morgan Kinder, said to The Cascade in an email that “we can observe these effects in the current protests going on about this pipeline issue people seem so concerned about.
“If these people would only stop complaining,” Kinder continued, “there would be fewer incidents up in Burnaby Mountain.”
Referring to the continued arrests of protestors on Burnaby Mountain, Kinder said this is a direct, positive result of DEBTS’ study. “Clearly somebody higher up understands the significance of our results. These protestors put their insides in serious danger by whining about business matters they couldn’t begin to understand,” she explained. “We should thank the justice system for putting the safety of our people before the selfish interests of protestors.” Kinder concluded that protestors should focus more on real issues, such as the prominence of Christmas music in the mall.
DEBTS has created a scholarship in Sturm’s memory, eligible to any student who has been affected by deteriorating bowels, protesting, or Christmas.