Print Edition: March 27, 2013
Welcome to The Cascade’s first annual Baller Awards! UFV’s athletic awards are yet to be given out, yet we here at The Cascade jumped the gun and decided on what awards we’d be giving (and whom we’d give them to). Some are a little less than conventional, but they’re all stuffed with prestige and glory and fabulous prizes (that possibly don’t exist)!
This year’s winners are … (drumroll) …
Hands down Kayla Bruce. With no disrespect intended to any other female athletes at UFV, Bruce is the clear winner of this year’s highest athletic honour. PACWEST Player of the Year and CCAA player of the year, Bruce led her team to a national title after a near perfect season. Seriously, this girl has raised the bar for what is expected from athletes at UFV.
Prize: A back massage from Ryan Gosling (Except that’s he’s apparently taking a short vacation from all “Hey girl!” antics.)
Not as clear cut as the women’s category, but Freeman capped off a strong five-year career at UFV bringing his undermanned team all the way to the Final Four. Freeman finished the season as the second leading scorer in the Canada West Conference and was a solid fifth-year leader on this year’s squad. Freeman’s closest competitors for this award were his teammate Kyle Grewal and men’s soccer standout Sasa Plavsic.
Prize: A Purple Heart for being wounded in the line of duty. Freeman got banged up badly this year, and spent the latter part of the season playing with what we suspect was a fractured rib. Tough guy, great player.
We had to give this to Andy. The guy is 26 and came into his rookie year looking to contribute in any way possible. By the end of the season he was playing huge minutes and playing a big role on a team that was a win away from nationals.
Prize: A lifetime supply of 7-11 jalapeno taquitos. We’ll give him all the taquitos he wants, in fact we’ll give him anything he wants as long as we don’t have to play against him.
Starting as a setter is a high-pressure job, especially if you are a rookie on the top-ranked team in the country. Tome did a great job of feeding the high powered UFV offence all season long.
Prize: The joy of having the pressure to repeat this season’s performance for the next four years. Anything less than a national championship a year may be considered a slight let down. We have faith in you, Kira!
We are going to go ahead and give this award to Alexa. She not only deserves the award but deserves to have an award named after her for all the work she has put into community service and just generally being a better person than us (although we hear she steals paper napkins from fast food joints, so she’s not that much better).
Prize: A once in a lifetime opportunity to do Jasper or Paul’s (her choice) yardwork! Or have Jasper and Paul do her yardwork … but since she’s such an amazing volunteer we’re pretty certain she’ll pick the first option. Alexa clearly loves giving to those in need so it should be a joy for her to come clean out some gutters and do some gardening because, after all, spring is here! (But seriously Alexa, we love what you’re doing. Keep it up.)
They’re brothers, they’re strikers, their names defy the laws of English spelling, and they both have very sexy hair. Combined, they scored 12 of their team’s 31 goals on the season, while maintaining that classic big brother/little brother relationship.
Prize: An all-inclusive round-trip to Wembley Stadium in May for the Champion’s League final. Let me stress that the prize is one ticket for one trip.
May the best brother win!
The guy had a great year, capped off with a PACWEST Championship and a League All-Star. He wins this award hands down. Though this guy is generally a ghost on campus he may be the best thing to happen at UFV this year that no one’s ever heard of.
Prize: A giant life-sized cutout of himself to be put in the the lobby of the Envision Athletic Centre. This man deserves recognition and this cutout will stand as an eternal monument to his glory.
Bokenfohr did a great job capitalizing on a season that held such high expectations. This award honours both his recent accomplishments and the exceptional job he did recruiting talent into the program in past years, and helping his team gel. The women’s team’s success this year was a great accomplishment for a great young coach.
Prize: A new pair of dress shoes (with a complimentary shoe-shining courtesy of Jasper). Come on Dennis, you think people don’t notice those Reeboks with your dress clothes? You need to get your swag together! It’s time to upgrade, coach, you’re a national champion after all!
This storied and historic award goes to Campbell. In previous years this recipient has flown under the radar, but as the captain of the rowing team he can be ignored no longer. See James Franco, see Emmet Campbell. The resemblance is uncanny. Closest competition for Campbell was Nicholas Vojnovic with his spectacular Tom Cruise impression, but the routine is not as polished as Emmet’s effortless Franco.
Prize: He looks like a Hollywood actor. The guy doesn’t need anything more than that.
As far as we can tell, this award is Jake’s hands down. He’s a master of that special subset of humour that bridges the gap between hysterically funny and potentially grounds for a lawsuit. I’m just going to assume that Michael would laugh and therefore we can laugh too. If not … Michael, on behalf of Jake and myself I very much apologize.
Prize: We aren’t sure if we should drop his iPhone in the toilet or start paying for his meals.
Paige had an outstanding year on the pitch in her second year as she finished the season with three goals and five assists to tie her for most points on this years women’s squad. Paige greatly improved on her rookie season and will be a player to watch in the Canada West next year.
Prize: The satisfaction of knowing that she is the only athlete to not receive some sort of ridiculous, non-existent prize from this year’s Cascade Varsity Awards!