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The Humourator: MMA is gay; And how!

As a fan of Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) I am repeatedly told by slack-jawed bystanders how gay the sport is.



As a fan of Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) I am repeatedly told by slack-jawed bystanders how gay the sport is. “It’s so fucking gay” is a common well reasoned argument that the genius in question will postulate. To which my response is: Yeah, so what? Do you hate gays? Do you think that things that are “gay” are bad? Yes, ABBA and man-purses do suck, but having anal sex with another man? Well that’s just natural. Natural in that almost everything we do as a species is “unnatural” or in direct opposition to nature, so what the fuck do you care what someone does with their penis in their spare time? I for example like to wash mine for a really, really, REALLY long time in the shower, but that’s just cleanliness. It’s called hygiene.

Back to the point though is MMA gay? I mean sure it usually involves two well built specimens of manhood approaching each other in a cage from which there is no escape.  Then staring deep into each others eyes they fasten each other in a mortal embrace, struggling against each other, sweat dripping off their ripped and glistening torsos, their rhythmic pulsating bodies locked in a joyful ecstasy that I have never known… Whoa! Wait. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, do you think that MMA is gay? Well if you think the aforementioned scenario is gay then it is you who are the gay my friend. Not I. Never I.

MMA actually has it roots in a sport called Pankration, which was popular in classical Greek civilization, so you know there was some ass-fucking going on prior, post, and probably during the ancient sporting event, but that doesn’t make the sport itself gay. The word pankration comes from greek “pankratos” meaning literally “all powers”, and hence competitors could use wrestling along with kicking and boxing to subdue their opponents. Really, what is more heterosexual than striking another man in the face with your appendages? Unless of course the appendage you are using happens to be your cock.

 The fighting system most commonly employed in modern MMA is Brazillian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ). The “reverse triangles is a popular BJJ submission choke in which the person defending the choke has their face planted squarely into their opponents crotch while they are simultaneously squeezed unconscious by their opponents legs. While not overtly gay I do not recommend the practice of BJJ to those who are not confident in their sexuality.

As more women get into BJJ and MMA, however, these distinctions will fade. When the spectacle of two women wrestling in a cage in front of a cheering audience becomes more commonplace the adjectives that men use to describe MMA will change. “Gay” will be replaced by a more appropriate descriptor; “hot!”

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1 Comment

  1. brazilian jiu jitsu montreal

    January 21, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    You have to be careful with online BJJ clips, though, because a lot of these guys have no clue what they are talking about.

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