Small reflections on how not to hyperventilate as graduation approaches

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This article was published on March 26, 2015 and may be out of date. To maintain our historical record, The Cascade does not update or remove outdated articles.
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By Katie Stobbart (The Cascade) – Email

Print Edition: March 25, 2015

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I finally filled out my graduation request form. For the past few weeks — months — I’ve oscillated between relief and terror. There’s a light at the end of this, but it might not be the sun.

Instead of feeling excited by all the amazing opportunities I may encounter or create when I leave with my crisp parchment, I question things like validity and authenticity and proper use of time — sullenly, because I know this wasn’t a waste of time.

Maybe a major in creative writing was not the most lucrative idea, in light of my accrued debt, underestimated interest, and looming expenses. Maybe I should not have dismissed the idea of personal branding (fancy marketing lingo for “reputation”).

This week, I’ve heard two people use the word “rapport” instead of “reputation” and I thought a lot about that accident of meaning.

Coping mechanisms

Occasionally instead of hacking away at the thicket of work on my desk, I say fuckit and go to Yellow Deli with friends.

Sometimes you really just need company and a good sandwich.

The last time I got overwhelmed I was instructed to lay my head down on my desk and focus on the feel of the cool, solid surface. Think about nothing.

Then make a list of what has to get done just tomorrow.

Then again the next day.

And the next.

I imagine this might come in handy after this is over.

The never-ending to-do list

My to-do list includes, but is definitely not limited to:

Get my passport photo taken, then apply for my passport.

File this year’s taxes and last year’s taxes and …

Apply for jobs. Google, Craigslist. Where am I supposed to look for jobs, again?

Spend four hours redesigning my resume until it looks the same as it did when I started.

Spend more time with my cats. Spend more time with my family.

Spend less on everything.

Clean my entire apartment, wishing I was allowed to paint even one wall without asking.

Don’t lose touch.

I probably shouldn’t hate marketing so much, since it means being picky about jobs and I’m not sure I’m in a position to be picky. Am I?

Someone says this world is going to chew you up and spit you out and it sticks with me.

The half-empty glass has something in it

The receptionist at the dentist office asks me what I’m doing in school. I tell her I’m almost finished a degree in creative writing.

Her daughter writes, she says, but doesn’t want to show it to anyone. I don’t know how to reply. You need a thick skin, I say lamely.

She tells me how much my root canal will “only” cost.

“Well, at least you’ll be able to write about it,” she concludes.

Another real conversation that happened:

What are you going to do after?

After graduation?

Yeah.

Probably live under a bridge and write poetry on the concrete.

I don’t think you’ll live under a bridge.

No?

It’ll be a chorus, for sure.

The closer graduation is, the less ready I feel. Is this how it feels to look out and be blinded by the future?

I’d like to think that light might be the sun.

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