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The Humourator: Jerk jerkin’ ain’t work workin’

A little while ago, being overcome by such maddening hunger that I was induced to cough up eight bucks for a cheeseburger, I visited the cafeteria. As it was busy, I picked one of the only spare tables left and began the business of shoveling down my food. I couldn’t help but overhear the conversation happening at the table next to me, where one guy sat loudly moaning to another about his love life, or lack thereof.

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by Humotron
Email: cascade.news@ufv.ca

A little while ago, being overcome by such maddening hunger that I was induced to cough up eight bucks for a cheeseburger, I visited the cafeteria. As it was busy, I picked one of the only spare tables left and began the business of shoveling down my food. I couldn’t help but overhear the conversation happening at the table next to me, where one guy sat loudly moaning to another about his love life, or lack thereof.

He complained that women seemed to prefer “jerks,” especially wealthy ones, leaving all the “nice” guys like himself companionless. He continued by making disparaging comments about these “jerks,” and he expressed amazement that all these women were somehow attracted to them. After listening for well over ten minutes to him bemoaning the inevitability that – as a “nice” guy – he would stay eternally single, I was suddenly swept into a fit of throbbing passion…

Yeah fucking right. Actually, I wanted to lean over and shake him. I wanted to explain how he was so, SO wrong, poking him in the eye for emphasis if I had to. But I’m not crazy. So instead I decided to go on an anonymous rant in a student newspaper.

The moans and complaints of this hapless Casanova were by no means something I had never heard before; in fact, it seems that there is a troublingly common misconception that women like jerks. I hear about this all the time; hell, there’s even an entire industry that teaches men to pick up women by adopting this prickish persona. And what’s so damned frustrating about it is that it’s not true!

Women like men who are assertive. This is not the same thing as being aggressive. It is not the same as being a dick, and it certainly does not entail handing out more knuckle sandwiches than Chris Brown at a deli. Assertive men state their minds, and they are clear about what they want and need. They are decisive and challenging and in control of their own destinies, and that is ridiculously sexy.

Again, this does not mean being a prick; you can find a way to get your point across without being rude or uncooperative. I only mean to say that when it comes down to it, you are not going to get what you want if you sit around and complain about how things aren’t working out for you. There is no quicker way to make a gal’s lady parts shrivel up and die than to let her overhear you getting all weepy about how women don’t seem to like you.

Which brings me to sex. A man who picks at his curly fries and whines to his friend about how the ladies can’t see that he is obviously the superior choice is not the kind of man you could imagine grabbing you by the hair and throwing you onto the bed, grunting like some amorous caveman. No, whining about how you haven’t seen a vagina in so long that you’d probably throw rocks at it marks you as someone of inferior sexual prowess, a man who probably couldn’t find his own ass with a map and both hands, let alone a clitoris.

What else might be hurting your chances, you ask? Well, it’s quite possible that you jerk off way too much. Like dogs can smell fear, women can smell your sexless desperation. All those lonely nights spent putting Mr. Kleenex’s kids through college are written all over you in the chemical language of hormones. I’m not fucking kidding, there is scientific evidence to support this.

A 2003 study indicated that, after a week without ejaculation, a man’s testosterone levels suddenly spike at up to 147% the normal amount, but levels drop to normal rates soon after. Men who experience this spike in testosterone have reported greater motivation to pursue females, and often a greater success rate as well. So ease off on the pocket pool, and – like a Zen master – channel all that energy and sexual frustration into something cool that will help your chances, like lock picking or summoning the undead.

This article is by no means comprehensive; despite your best efforts, there are still many little ways you can slip up. For example, if you shave your initials into your pubic hair, or you have a tattoo of your own name anywhere on your body, chances are you’re not riding the beef bus into tuna town anytime soon. This is because it leads women to believe that you either have an exaggerated sense of your own importance, or you are so lacking in intelligence that you forget your own name at times. If the brain, as they say, is the largest sex organ, we’ll assume that you have the mental equivalent of a millimeter peter.

I hope against hope that this article somehow falls into the lap of that desperate young man on the verge of devoting his life to dickishness. The world could always use a few more nice guys who know how to assert themselves appropriately and treat women with respect.

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