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Snapshots: sloth walk, Christmas spirit, wrinkles, and war ultimatums

Curtailed commentary on current conditions: sloth walk, Christmas spirit, wrinkles, and war ultimatums.



Print Edition: November 19, 2014

Illustrations by Anthony Biondi

Illustrations by Anthony Biondi


I know most of us have barely given wrinkles any thought, but as I was looking through a magazine the other day, it struck me how wrinkles are seen as unattractive.

Everyone wants to look eternally youthful. Instead of realizing this is impossible, cosmetic companies work hard to make aging hold off by creating tons of anti-aging and wrinkle creams.

I believe wrinkles tell a story. Instead of being ashamed of wrinkles when we are older, we should embrace them. Maybe you will get wrinkles around your eyes from laughing and smiling all the time. Maybe it’s because you scrunched your head in concentration during many hours of lectures while attaining a doctorate in psychology. Maybe they will be from worry as a loved one serves time overseas.

Whatever the case, wrinkles add character, and are a beautiful reminder of the life we have lived and are living.



Wartime ultimatums

Die now or die later! The terrorist threat is accelerating, and I’m sick of people disrespecting the Canadian military in the face of this approaching evilness. If you people keep saying interference might make things worse, our brave soldiers will have no choice but to silence you! Then you’ll be sorry!

Clearly, the more involved we get with the Middle East, the less violence will reach us in Canada. The fewer anti-war, Harper-doubting nerds around here, the fewer people I will have to punch in the gut.

Some pretend they hate ISIL’s violent ways, then turn around and suggest that our involvement with the Middle East created them. Hypocrites! The modern media makes me sick with its liberal circle-jerking. We should use the media to promote our elected leaders’ decisions and boost morale for the common people! Devote yourself to our leaders, or wander aimlessly in an orgy of fear.



Where’s your spirit, man?

There seems to be a lot of blustering going on about Christmas music. Just recently, the mall has switched over their radio tracks to the Yuletide tunes for the next month and a half. It seems even the thought of Christmas music is enough for people to make a sort of long-winded groan coupled with a distasteful rolling of eyes.

I welcome the music. Christmas music is consistently, with some exceptions, a much easier listen than most pop songs and typical mall shanties. It’s cheery and uplifting and carries a nice classical tune I can get into.

The shopping season seems to have ruined the joy of perfectly good Christmas songs, as it has with everything else. But we can resist the destruction of this holiday! We can enjoy Christmas music again if we treat it as it should be treated: a relaxing show of Christmas spirit.



Sloth walk

As a person who always seems to be in a hurry, one thing that really grinds my gears is people who meander through the hallways at a snail’s pace — or even worse, a person on the crosswalk moving at half a snail’s pace.

I understand that some people have shorter strides, and I don’t expect everyone to run everywhere (just imagine the chaotic mess of broken ankles and spilled coffee that would ensue).  But picking up the pace when crossing the sidewalk at an uncontrolled crossing would be quite courteous, as lights are only red for so long.

I don’t mind if you feel like walking slowly in a group in the hallway as long as you leave space for people to pass.  It takes time to get from class A to class B — factor in the busy hallways and it gets a bit more difficult, especially with different buildings.


*Scott Protter, a regular satire-writer for The Cascade, writes under a pseudonym.

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